Cosmo Canyon

March 20th, 2010

Everyone knows this already because I’ve been babbling about nothing else for quite some time, but it’s worthwhile knocking it on the blog too innit?

I have a new job!

And what a job! I’m soon to be a web developer at one of my favourite games companies in the world ever!

Booyah! I’m working for the company who made bloody Final bloody Fantasy bloody VII!

Strictly speaking it’s the offices of Eidos Interactive, but they were bought out by the macdaddys a year or two ago and they are now known as Square Enix Europe, which is nice.

The whole procession was quite a testing time as it usually is. The interview went very well though the life sized statue of Kane & Lynch having a fight scared the crap outta me. It was then a 3 and a half week wait for the answer. I’ll remember the day I got the offer for the rest of my life. This is mainly because the lovely HR lady at Square led me a merry dance with a series of unintentionally cryptic emails.

I was sitting around, ambling through an uninteresting lunch when the first email came in.

No subject heading and nothing in it

This baffled me. Is this it? Is this a yes? Is this a no? What is this? WHAT’S GOING ON!!?!??!

5 minutes later the next one comes in.

Heading saying “Good News” and again, nothing in it

Now this is encouraging, but again totally mystifying. Did it go to the wrong person? What’s good? HELP ME! This time an agonising 20 minutes pass. I am climbing the walls, unable to tell anyone about the situation I’m in. So I distracted myself by chucking a stress ball around the office and furiously pacing about the place like a mad thing.

Then the final email comes in.

Hi Jason!
Sorry not sure what I did BUT we want to make you an offer
Are you still interested?
I’m out on a course but will try catch my emails
Lesley

The best bit of that email is “Are you still interested?”. I was overjoyed. A bit like this

This was a company whose games had played a sizeable part in defining who I am today. My love for games was only reinforced by such triumphs as Final Fantasy VII. Be it Square or Eidos, they have released so many games that I have loved to bits over the years.

When I was a growing up I’d always harboured desires of working in the games industry and now I am. It really is a dream job. It’s a web development job, so I’m not making games, but I don’t really want to. Certainly not coding them anyway. It doesn’t feel quite real at the moment.

I’ve finished work with Tripleplay now and it’s a shame to go, but I feel the time was right. I’d been there for nearly 4 years and an opportunity like this just feels right, the next big step. I learned loads at Tripleplay and it pretty much got me the job so I’ll look back on the time fondly.

I felt I had to leave something behind to remember me by. All software development teams use a thing called source control. Source control is a repository of code which controls versioning and such, it’s basically an organised back up of code. So I added an image to the product I was in charge of with this source control comment

Author: jason
Date: 2010-03-19 17:19:04 +0000 (Fri, 19 Mar 2010)
New Revision: 27383

Added:
   giftfromjason.jpg
Log:
For what is a man what has he got, If not himself then he has not, To say the things he truly feels, And not the words of one who kneels, The record shows I took the blows, And did it mmmmmmyyyyyy wwwwwwaaaaaayyyyyy. See ya! J

What is giftfromjason.jpg? well it’s the best picture on the interweb of course

Isn’t it brill?

So here we are. I have a fortnight off now to mooch about, clean the house, play some games and get some out of work work done. Then I’ll be off to Cosmo Canyon to begin my plan to rule the universe.

I’ve done an artists impression of how I’ll get to work. Excited!

Are the sunglasses a bit much? Didn’t think so.

Posted in Me | 3 Comments »

The Fall of Roger Federer

March 15th, 2010

I’m writing this blog in my attempts at being a soothsayer. I am saying sooth about the fate of the last of the Knights of Gillette. The order has 3 members, Sir Henry, Sir Woods and Sir Federer.

There was a time in the long forgotten past (October 2009) when all three of the Knights were unblemished specimens of grace, poise and chins that felt like brushed satin. But that night in the Stade de France rocked the nations faith in the honour of Gillette male grooming products. Sir Henry handled the ball and disgraced himself in the eyes of millions of people with not enough to be genuinely outraged about. Henry was forever tarnished by the cheating that got France to a World Cup they have no chance of winning. Sir Henry was shamed, forced to wear a dismembered hand around his neck till the end of days. But there was worse to come…

The Albatross
The Albatross

No sooner had the gods atop Mount Gillette spat out of the blood from the first haymaker, they were pummelled once more in their freshly shaved, baby smooth, finely contoured faces. This blow was vastly more powerful than the first. Imbued with the soul of the raging demon that is a sex scandal.

Sir Woods had been unfaithful to Lady Woods. Many times in many places with many scrumpets of questionable virtue. Such was the brilliance of his plummet from glory that he revealed his saucy ways by driving into a tree. That’s how the the truly great people announce their scandals.

Once again the nosy and privileged went bat shit mental. The uneducated masses marched for Woods to be ripped to pieces by savage bearded hell dogs. Mount Gillette released a statement saying Sir Woods was “worse than Satan” and he should “fuck off back to Russia”. The highest courts in the highest lands met and Woods was finally made to kiss his mother on live television.

Woods punishment.
The Ultimate Shame.

Two of the Knights have fallen. Hunched double in the local speak easy, smelling of expired shaving foam, recounting their fall from the 5 blades for extra comfort heavens. But one remains. The truly perfect man. Lord Federer.

The utter perfection of Lord Federer and the escalating juiciness of the ruination of his former brothers means his fall will be something to behold. Like a solar eclipse, a shooting star or a really good firework display, it will be remembered forever. The act of doing something stupid in public will be known across all times, universes and dimensions as “doing a Federer”.

We can only speculate for now though I have some suggestions as to what he might do

  • Having won Wimbledon, he’ll call The Duke of Kent a c**t.
  • FBI Agents will bust into his mansion to reveal billions in Nazi Gold.
  • The Centre Court murder of Rafael Nadal.

Federer is doomed. It was written in the stars. He will fall and it will be like no one has ever ever ever fallen before. It will make Sir Woods look like a storm in a teacup, a hurricane in a soup bowl, a typhoon in the toilet.

It will happen. When I do not know. How I cannot say. Though know this traveller, it will be fucking spectacular and I will be there to say, “yeah, I wouldn’t have done that”.

Posted in Stupid | No Comments »

leagueoflethargy #3 – Dollar Bill Y’all

March 4th, 2010

Ding Ding! Round 3!

This one took a little more rummaging in the Think Tank Toybox to find but I got there eventually. This time around I decided I would quiz the league of lethargy about

Money

I was a bit wary about how many people would go for this, surely when money was involved laziness has no dominion. I asked

“How has laziness cost you money?”

I’m no saint here of course, these things usually sprout from something stupid I’ve done. Kinda makes this whole process a self validatory thing but never mind. My shining example was

“I once left a mobile phone contract uncancelled for 18 months because I was too lazy to cancel it. It cost me roughly £280.”

My caution proved completely unfounded (as per usual) and I watched as the wasted money gathered in a metaphorical pile.

Mo_Jesus: Due to a fuck up with rooms at our wedding (in 2008), we’re entitled to a free night at the hotel. We still haven’t used it

BobbyLooga: I have a £10 Woolworth’s voucher somewhere. Had it for about 8 yrs. Useless now. Got an M&S one somewhere

profanityswan: My wife pays about £60 a month to a gym that she NEVER goes to. Boils my piss it does.

BryceElder: Just remembered: took insurance with a mortgage on a house that was already insured. Sold house 5yrs later. Cost: ~£4000.

siansparkles: bout £60. Forgot to cancel subscription to pathetic on-line dating site. Went on one hideous date before I hid my profile.

skoravensis: I’ve frequently replaced films that I know are in the loft, but can’t be arsed to get. Six copies of Episode IV to date.

Mrs_Kensington: We moved 1/2 a mile further from the gym then only went 4 times in 18 months. £1296 wasted £324 a workout

TheFagCasanova: I often buy pies from the supermarket. Baulk at the cooking time and so order a takeaway.

euzie: i didnt go to see My Bloody Valentine’s reunion shows at the roundhouse, despite having tickets

BobbyLooga: I’ve probably dropped £50k in lost earnings after an incident in ‘93 when I couldn’t be arsed to wear a tie.

DarkBeige: just want to add that right now i have a vacuum i hired for £20 a day. too lazy to return it b4 work on mon tue & today

pEarl117: once sold a car for £2500 cash which I couldn’t be bothered to bank, that cash got frittered rather quickly

britswitch: I bought pack lunch box and flask to save money on lunch. Total cost about £50. I still buy lunch.

webstl: I didnt return a DVD to the shop. it was a day late. A month later I got a letter from the shops solicitor demanding £78.90, or to court I go. The DVD was VAN Helsing.

TheFagCasanova: I’m owed nearly £2000 in income tax. Claiming it includes filling out a 9 page form. I’ll never do it.

pinkytheflorist: I still have my old car insured, complete with 9yrs NCB that could be on my new one, cos I CBA to clean and sell it

DanielNothing: I also agree with the guy who said he couldn’t be bothered to collet debts. I must be owed over a grand by now.

unslugged: Failed to sign up to employer pension 3 times. Employer contributes. Prob cost me £20k.

euzie: I once caught a cab from my house, to the cashpoint (to pay for taxi), to the shop to buy milk, and home

euzie: 2 Open Uni modules, 1 full year of college – bailed after first month – total approx £1300

NickMB: Unless it’s a LOT of money, I can never be bothered to collect debts owed to me. Probably shouldn’t admit this on Twitter.

reggington: I have a great staff deal here that I’ve never taken advantage of, could have saved about £200

DanielNothing: If I know a CD/DVD etc is cheaper, but involves a walk/tube ride to another store, i’ll spend the extra to save me the slog

pEarl117: I paid the min payment on a credit card balance of around £1000 for a few years, too lazy to phone up to pay it off…I had the money to pay it off, just couldn’t be bothered. Probably cost me a few hundred in interest.

leeturnerconn: Number one response must be cabs. They just make everything easier and they cost me a fortune.

Theoutdoortypes: I had a gym membership for 18 months and went three times.

Theoutdoortypes: I’m still subscribed to lovefilm.com but I’ve had the same 2 dvds for 2yrs.

BryceElder: Took ESPN to watch 1st game of the season. Haven’t looked at it since. So far, that game has cost me £84.

Mo_Jesus: Due to a fuck up with rooms at our wedding (in 2008), we’re entitled to a free night at the hotel. We still haven’t used it
BobbyLooga: I have a £10 Woolworth’s voucher somewhere. Had it for about 8 yrs. Useless now. Got an M&S one somewhere
profanityswan: My wife pays about £60 a month to a gym that she NEVER goes to. Boils my piss it does.
BryceElder: Just remembered: took insurance with a mortgage on a house that was already insured. Sold house 5yrs later. Cost: ~£4000.
siansparkles: bout £60. Forgot to cancel subscription to pathetic on-line dating site. Went on one hideous date before I hid my profile.
skoravensis: I’ve frequently replaced films that I know are in the loft, but can’t be arsed to get. Six copies of Episode IV to date.
Mrs_Kensington: We moved 1/2 a mile further from the gym then only went 4 times in 18 months. £1296 wasted £324 a workout
TheFagCasanova: I often buy pies from the supermarket. Baulk at the cooking time and so order a takeaway.
euzie: i didnt go to see My Bloody Valentine’s reunion shows at the roundhouse, despite having tickets
BobbyLooga: I’ve probably dropped £50k in lost earnings after an incident in ‘93 when I couldn’t be arsed to wear a tie.
DarkBeige: just want to add that right now i have a vacuum i hired for £20 a day. too lazy to return it b4 work on mon tue & today
pEarl117: once sold a car for £2500 cash which I couldn’t be bothered to bank, that cash got frittered rather quickly
britswitch: I bought pack lunch box and flask to save money on lunch. Total cost about £50. I still buy lunch.
webstl: I didnt return a DVD to the shop. it was a day late. A month later I got a letter from the shops solicitor demanding £78.90, or to court I go. The DVD was VAN Helsing.
TheFagCasanova: I’m owed nearly £2000 in income tax. Claiming it includes filling out a 9 page form. I’ll never do it.
pinkytheflorist: I still have my old car insured, complete with 9yrs NCB that could be on my new one, cos I CBA to clean and sell it
DanielNothing: I also agree with the guy who said he couldn’t be bothered to collet debts. I must be owed over a grand by now.
unslugged: Failed to sign up to employer pension 3 times. Employer contributes. Prob cost me £20k.
euzie: I once caught a cab from my house, to the cashpoint (to pay for taxi), to the shop to buy milk, and home
euzie: 2 Open Uni modules, 1 full year of college – bailed after first month – total approx £1300
NickMB: Unless it’s a LOT of money, I can never be bothered to collect debts owed to me. Probably shouldn’t admit this on Twitter.
reggington: I have a great staff deal here that I’ve never taken advantage of, could have saved about £200
DanielNothing: If I know a CD/DVD etc is cheaper, but involves a walk/tube ride to another store, i’ll spend the extra to save me the slog
pEarl117: I paid the min payment on a credit card balance of around £1000 for a few years, too lazy to phone up to pay it off…I had the money to pay it off, just couldn’t be bothered. Probably cost me a few hundred in interest.
leeturnerconn: Number one response must be cabs. They just make everything easier and they cost me a fortune.
Theoutdoortypes: I had a gym membership for 18 months and went three times.
Theoutdoortypes: I’m still subscribed to lovefilm.com but I’ve had the same 2 dvds for 2yrs.
BryceElder: Took ESPN to watch 1st game of the season. Haven’t looked at it since. So far, that game has cost me £84.

So there you go. Thousands of pounds lost in the name of a distinct lack of effort and application.

I think an honourable mention needs to go to euzie for the milk taxi debacle, the work of a true oaf.

Posted in League of Lethargy | No Comments »

Requirements of a Cat’s name

February 23rd, 2010

We all identify a set of rules when we go to do something. You set out a few rules which thin out your possible choices. For example, buying a car, might have something like

  • The colour must be red
  • It must have 4 doors
  • It must cost less than £30,000

The keyword here is MUST. I learned the true value of the word must in university doing requirements engineering. You have to strictly define what the software must and must not do.

I realise this has been quite boring up until now but we need context people!

I was having a chat with TheFagCasanova about the possible middle name of the Ski Jumper, Andreas Wank. We decided Alan would be best and then we moved onto good cat names and reminded me that I have strict rules for potential cat names.

Before I lay out my rules, I decided to quiz the Twitterati about their cat’s name to see if any subscribed to my strict naming policy. They didn’t disappoint in their diversity

Big Dave Jeffries
Bumble
Velvet Moon
Hector
Bill
Fluff
Bob
Other One
Lola
Hamble
Chloe
Flower
Twinkle
Milo
Ghandi
Darren
Saucepan
Lao
Raspberry Watkins
Bootsie
Oscar
  • Big Dave Jeffries
  • Fattie
  • Thinnie
  • Bumble
  • Velvet Moon
  • Hector
  • Bill
  • Fluff
  • Bob
  • Other One
  • Lola
  • Hamble
  • Chloe
  • Flower
  • Twinkle
  • Milo
  • Ghandi
  • Darren
  • Saucepan
  • Lao
  • Raspberry Watkins
  • Bootsie
  • Oscar
  • Tiger
  • Flying Tiger Fury
  • Smudge

Aren’t they marvellous? But! as marvellous as they are, only one fits the bill as defined by me

Darren

The splendiferous magicnose nailed it with the only one that truly subscribes to my rules.

So what are my rules? I hear you shout as your spit your fish supper all over the screen (you should really clean that up). Well I’ll tell you, the rules are as follows

MUSTS

  • It must not be traditional cats name (Fluffy, Marbles etc)
  • It must not be a name that could be attributed to a comedy horse (Colin, Charlie etc)
  • It must not be a name that could be attributed to an WW2 army general (Archibald, Wilberforce etc)
  • It must not be a name that could be attributed to troubled Anime character (Azrael, Jiro etc)

DESIRABLES

  • It should be a name that can be attributed to a man who works in a garden centre
  • It should be a full forename (Don’t care for Bob, for example)

EXAMPLES

  • Darren
  • Liam
  • Alan
  • John (possibly Johnathan)
  • Simon
  • Richard
  • Robert (not Bob)
  • Ian
  • Paul
  • Matthew (not Matt)

As an example, I went on holiday to Spain with my dad and sister a couple of years ago and I explained these rules to Sophie. We spent a fair chunk of time, a good hour, walking across the big rock of Gibraltar in complete silence save for

Sophie: “Stephen?”

Jason: “With a ph?”

Sophie: “Yeah”

Jason: “Perfect”

We built up quite a list, great fun.

Now I must stress these are my rules, this is my system. I would never begrudge a Cat name you choose, I just personally wouldn’t choose it. I’m not going for a world domination here, no thanks, too much hassle. I just have my own system for naming cats, you can call yours what you like, live and let live. But if you ask me what you should call your cat, then its game on.

This mainly extends to Male cats. Because the ladies have two X chromosomes they are twice as varied and thus harder to define. Us males only have one X and the Y is redundant meaning we’re a lot easier to pigeon hole, it’s a pleasure.

Naming female cats is like plotting a ladies drinking timeline, the typical male drinking timeline is a lot easier to nail down. There are obviously some deviations from the mean but this is a good indicator of where a man is in his life

Cheap Cider/Alcopop >> Cheap Lager >> Stronger Lager >> Proper Cider >> Stout >> Real Ale >> Real Ale with a Handle >> Whiskey Straight >> Whiskey with Water >> Death

Women? I’ll be buggered if I know. Female cat names? Same story.

So there you have it, my hard and fast rules for an acceptable name for a Male Cat. Hell why not? female cats too. To be honest it would be quite funny to own a girl cat called Andrew (not Andy).

Posted in Curiosity, Madness, Me, Twitter | 9 Comments »

My Area of Expertise

February 18th, 2010

I like to think everyone has one or two fields that they are experts in. Now this isn’t practical, career based things. It’s things with little to no value beyond the realms of fun. I like the realm of fun.

I asked around twitter and a few things came up

  • X Files
  • Fabric Textures
  • Spiderman Comics
  • Making Tea
  • Photoshop
  • Buffy
  • Making Popcorn
  • Cheese and Onion Pasties
  • Obscure Cutlery and Etiquette
  • Eating a Whole Big Bag of Haribo Tangfastic in One Quick Sitting
  • The Availability of Twirls in London (http://londontwirls.blogspot.com/)
  • The Circumstances of My Sneezes (http://www.sneezecount.joyfeed.com/)
  • Sugarcraft
  • Playing Spy on TFC (Team Fortress Classic)

I was having a chat with Sam and the course of discussion turned to sampling free products for market research and it triggered a memory of the one time I was taste tested. Even though I’d forgotten it, I remember it like it was yesterday.

This was during my college years at plucky old Barton Peveril. Barton Peveril is in Eastleigh, a thorough toilet of a town near Southampton. We would often go to the town centre during our free periods to mooch about. There was nothing really there to do except eat and wait but it beat doing that at on campus.

Whilst plodding around we were approached asking us if we’d like to try a new kind of crisp. Being bored we of course agreed and were whisked to an open plan room full of people being interviewed with plates of crisps in front of them.

The crisps they were testing were Bugles. This was the early 00’s (remember them?) and they were about to launch. The wiki says they now sell over here but I rarely see them anymore and avoid them like the plague if I do, which is the point I’m meandering towards.

When I was interviewed I was asked to pick my favourite flavour, I picked Salt & Vinegar, my weapon of choice. Now the Bugle people hadn’t really considered what they were contending with, for you see

I am an expert on Salt & Vinegar crisps

I shall illustrate this with what went down and then elaborate on some further theories I have. They made 2 errors:

  1. Putting their weight behind an inferior crisp
  2. Taste testing it against two heavyweights of the s&v crisp world

With regards to point 1, I think we all know this by now but I shall declare

Bugles are rubbish

They’re far too wheaty. This means the crisps taste like nothing but wheat and any flavour they have been imbued with is absorbed by said wheat making them a weak effort. A vague whiff of salt & vinegar when I want the flavour to knock my block off.

I could probably handle the banality if the competition wasn’t so fierce. They let me try two bad boys, Quavers and Discos.

I couldn’t find a picture of Quavers as I think they maybe now lost to the pantheons of crisp history…crisptory. Though I think they maybe multipack only. This would be a shame as the Cheese Quavers are horrible.

Anyway, Salt & Vinegar Discos are still going strong and are bold, bloody powerful though also a little dry. That said they were more than enough to beat the pathetic Bugle.

Now they didn’t give the names of these crisps but I’m an expert, I could pick em off a mile away.

When asked for my opinion, I was blunt. I can’t remember exactly what I said, but I know it was scathing about the poor quality of the Bugles, I was quite enjoying telling them just how crap their crisps were and I left them with a lot to think about. The crisps didn’t change.

There’s only one thing that could be possibly going through your brain now

So Mr Smarty Pants, what is the best kind of Salt & Vinegar crisp?

I’ll tell you and less of your lip thank you very much. Novices among you might assume I’d pick something twatty like Kettle Chips. Bleurgh, no. The vinegar is far too sweet and the crisps themselves are too big. It shows a complete lack of understanding and an arrogance for which I have no time. Fuck off Kettle Chips and all your brethren of presumptuous garbage.

Now.

There are a few contenders but I know my favourite. Discos are quite good but as I said quite dry. Some people like dry crisps which I can fully understand, live and let live.

If you’re looking for a dry salt & vinegar crisp, you can’t say fairer than these.

Of course! Square crisps.

I swear by these when I’m feeling dry. Sharp, robust and full of flavour. They are a joy eaten out of the packet or made into a sandwich. I would usually get Squares in multipacks, eat all the Salt & Vinegar, trundle through the admirable Cheese & Onion and then trudge through the frankly boring Ready Salted.

Though they are not the best Salt & Vinegar potato crisp adventure that you can take your taste buds on. That honour is reserved for

Here it stands. The king of crisps. Chipsticks.

The maize and potato snack, made for us by the crisp gods to stave of lingering hunger with a brand of flavour second to no bastard. Layered with delicious oily, vinegary stuff, stands this monolith of snack food.

Dry crisps lack of oil means it lacks the full punch that only Chipsticks can bring.

Take yourself on a roller-coaster ride of flavour as you shove 5 in your mouth at once, getting grubby fingers before digging out the lumps of maize caught in the bridge of your mouth. Heaven.

So there you go, that’s my field of expertise as I see it. You might not agree, but hey, you’re wrong.

There’s only one thing left to ask, what’s your area of expertise?

Posted in Curiosity | 6 Comments »

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