Archive for the ‘Twitter’ Category

Requirements of a Cat’s name

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

We all identify a set of rules when we go to do something. You set out a few rules which thin out your possible choices. For example, buying a car, might have something like

  • The colour must be red
  • It must have 4 doors
  • It must cost less than £30,000

The keyword here is MUST. I learned the true value of the word must in university doing requirements engineering. You have to strictly define what the software must and must not do.

I realise this has been quite boring up until now but we need context people!

I was having a chat with TheFagCasanova about the possible middle name of the Ski Jumper, Andreas Wank. We decided Alan would be best and then we moved onto good cat names and reminded me that I have strict rules for potential cat names.

Before I lay out my rules, I decided to quiz the Twitterati about their cat’s name to see if any subscribed to my strict naming policy. They didn’t disappoint in their diversity

Big Dave Jeffries
Bumble
Velvet Moon
Hector
Bill
Fluff
Bob
Other One
Lola
Hamble
Chloe
Flower
Twinkle
Milo
Ghandi
Darren
Saucepan
Lao
Raspberry Watkins
Bootsie
Oscar
  • Big Dave Jeffries
  • Fattie
  • Thinnie
  • Bumble
  • Velvet Moon
  • Hector
  • Bill
  • Fluff
  • Bob
  • Other One
  • Lola
  • Hamble
  • Chloe
  • Flower
  • Twinkle
  • Milo
  • Ghandi
  • Darren
  • Saucepan
  • Lao
  • Raspberry Watkins
  • Bootsie
  • Oscar
  • Tiger
  • Flying Tiger Fury
  • Smudge

Aren’t they marvellous? But! as marvellous as they are, only one fits the bill as defined by me

Darren

The splendiferous magicnose nailed it with the only one that truly subscribes to my rules.

So what are my rules? I hear you shout as your spit your fish supper all over the screen (you should really clean that up). Well I’ll tell you, the rules are as follows

MUSTS

  • It must not be traditional cats name (Fluffy, Marbles etc)
  • It must not be a name that could be attributed to a comedy horse (Colin, Charlie etc)
  • It must not be a name that could be attributed to an WW2 army general (Archibald, Wilberforce etc)
  • It must not be a name that could be attributed to troubled Anime character (Azrael, Jiro etc)

DESIRABLES

  • It should be a name that can be attributed to a man who works in a garden centre
  • It should be a full forename (Don’t care for Bob, for example)

EXAMPLES

  • Darren
  • Liam
  • Alan
  • John (possibly Johnathan)
  • Simon
  • Richard
  • Robert (not Bob)
  • Ian
  • Paul
  • Matthew (not Matt)

As an example, I went on holiday to Spain with my dad and sister a couple of years ago and I explained these rules to Sophie. We spent a fair chunk of time, a good hour, walking across the big rock of Gibraltar in complete silence save for

Sophie: “Stephen?”

Jason: “With a ph?”

Sophie: “Yeah”

Jason: “Perfect”

We built up quite a list, great fun.

Now I must stress these are my rules, this is my system. I would never begrudge a Cat name you choose, I just personally wouldn’t choose it. I’m not going for a world domination here, no thanks, too much hassle. I just have my own system for naming cats, you can call yours what you like, live and let live. But if you ask me what you should call your cat, then its game on.

This mainly extends to Male cats. Because the ladies have two X chromosomes they are twice as varied and thus harder to define. Us males only have one X and the Y is redundant meaning we’re a lot easier to pigeon hole, it’s a pleasure.

Naming female cats is like plotting a ladies drinking timeline, the typical male drinking timeline is a lot easier to nail down. There are obviously some deviations from the mean but this is a good indicator of where a man is in his life

Cheap Cider/Alcopop >> Cheap Lager >> Stronger Lager >> Proper Cider >> Stout >> Real Ale >> Real Ale with a Handle >> Whiskey Straight >> Whiskey with Water >> Death

Women? I’ll be buggered if I know. Female cat names? Same story.

So there you have it, my hard and fast rules for an acceptable name for a Male Cat. Hell why not? female cats too. To be honest it would be quite funny to own a girl cat called Andrew (not Andy).

Posted in Curiosity, Madness, Me, Twitter | 9 Comments »

leagueoflethargy #1 – Stirring Tea

Friday, January 29th, 2010

People carp on about how twitter is an agent for social change and all that stuff, but I recently discovered it has an even more important purpose

To bring together individuals capable of fantastic feats of lethargy

My process when using twitter is to pretty much tweet out any silly idea that pops into my head. I think it’s too much for some people and I can’t begrudge them unfollowing me.

Anyway, I was making a cup of tea and to my horror I discovered there were no clean teaspoons. I could have washed one but anyone who knows me knows that’s the last thing I want to do. I eventually resorted to using a tablespoon, I was so proud.

So proud I was that I immediately scuttled upstairs and tweeted

“You can’t call yourself a slob till you’ve stirred your tea with a table spoon.”

I gotta couple of replies and I realised I had poked a rich vein of fun, so I asked the question

“Ok I seem to have poked a wasps nest here. Whats the worst thing you’ve stirred a cup of tea with?”

Then the torrent began, I quote:

wisecur: That’s not slobbish try using house keys.
jendinary: i’ve also eaten cereal w/ a teaspoon.
minuferdows: ill see your table spoon and raise you a fork (and once a knife..)
jendinary: oh, i’ve done that. should i be proud or ashamed? not sure.
Ironthighs: I once stirred my tea with a Bic biro.
cripesonfriday: I only eat cereal with a teaspoon
sylviegreen69: Ive drank one out of a gravy boat.
OneInchMan: pens, lighters whatever is to hand and, if all else fails, the suck/spit method of mixing tea and milk is always there
mooseymoose29: you are all gonna lose when I call you out with an eye liner pencil…
sylviegreen69: Ive eaten cereal out of a pan.
Ironthighs: My husband would like you to know that he once used a comb to stir his tea. Someone else’s comb.
mooseymoose29: oh and I forgot the used ice lolly stick…
minuferdows: I may have also used a chop stick once…
skoravensis: Well, when camping in Le Mans I’ve used: plastic shard from abadoned garden chair, twig,bit off the side of a cow shed…
DanielNothing: Pen salways eems pretty mingin’.
missgembles: a REALLY grubby pencil
kassy4:: a pen, ink side down
each1teach1: Pure physics. (Held it in my hand and just shook really hard)
missgembles: Also, the pointy end of a 60cm set square. And a stick of celery.
njhamer: Fingers. Not mine.
quii: I want to use my cock just so i can win at being most disgusting. Despite pain repercussions.
cripesonfriday: I once stirred the tea with the tea bag
TimRobberts:: A twig, someone elses finger, Wacom pen, definitely a few biros and *undisclosed*. (champion)
teawithlemon: i tend to use the handle if i ever stir with a fork/tablespoon, knife etc
zevans23: Unwashed finger during car fettling is always a good one.
NickMB: I’ve used my fingers a couple of times and just ignored the pain. When there’s no cutlery anywhere useful.
wisecur: That’s not slobbish try using house keys.

jendinary: i’ve also eaten cereal w/ a teaspoon.

minuferdows: ill see your table spoon and raise you a fork (and once a knife..)

Ironthighs: I once stirred my tea with a Bic biro.

cripesonfriday: I only eat cereal with a teaspoon

sylviegreen69: Ive drank one out of a gravy boat.

OneInchMan: pens, lighters whatever is to hand and, if all else fails, the suck/spit method of mixing tea and milk is always there

mooseymoose29: you are all gonna lose when I call you out with an eye liner pencil…

sylviegreen69: Ive eaten cereal out of a pan.

Ironthighs: My husband would like you to know that he once used a comb to stir his tea. Someone else’s comb.

mooseymoose29: oh and I forgot the used ice lolly stick…

minuferdows: I may have also used a chop stick once…

skoravensis: Well, when camping in Le Mans I’ve used: plastic shard from abadoned garden chair, twig,bit off the side of a cow shed…

DanielNothing: Pen salways eems pretty mingin’.

missgembles: a REALLY grubby pencil

kassy4:: a pen, ink side down

each1teach1: Pure physics. (Held it in my hand and just shook really hard)

missgembles: Also, the pointy end of a 60cm set square. And a stick of celery.

njhamer: Fingers. Not mine.

quii: I want to use my cock just so i can win at being most disgusting. Despite pain repercussions.

cripesonfriday: I once stirred the tea with the tea bag

TimRobberts: A twig, someone elses finger, Wacom pen, definitely a few biros and *undisclosed*. (champion)

teawithlemon: i tend to use the handle if i ever stir with a fork/tablespoon, knife etc

zevans23: Unwashed finger during car fettling is always a good one.

NickMB: I’ve used my fingers a couple of times and just ignored the pain. When there’s no cutlery anywhere useful.

Ah what fun. I shouldn’t be surprised, the best stories always come from people recounting what has happened to them over the years. Skinbro asked a while back for people to say the lamest and coolest things that has happened to you, it was an absolute joy to read.

So I’ve had a little idea. Every now and then (I say this so I can forget it for a while and not break a promise) I’ll ask twitter question on topics that unify us in our laziness with the hashtag #leagueoflethargy then I’ll blog it here like I have above, could be a laugh.

Posted in Twitter | 1 Comment »