I love David Attenborough, I think we all do. A lot of people say “I’d like him to be my Grandad” but I don’t want that. I have my grandparents and I love them dearly. I’d like Attenborough to be my Spirit Guide. Lighting my path and showing me the way. Helping me through the hard times with the voice of an earthen god.

I’ve watched all of his documentaries several times and hang on his every silken word. His voice helps us enjoy the joyful parts of our planet and contrastingly feel the sorrow for the plights some of nature’s travellers must endure.

On occasion the documentaries will shine a light on the macabre moments in the natural world. I like to refer to it as

Twatty Behaviour

Attenborough’s commentary on TB (not tuberculosis) is always completely agnostic, and rightly so. This behaviour is part and parcel of animal life and anyone who studies and or comments upon the natural world with any degree of authenticity should maintain this stance. It is survival of the fittest out there and all TB can be rationalised in that fashion.

I however am not burdened by such responsibility. I harbour no desires to make nature documentaries. Why would I? David has that deal sewn up. So in my privileged position of being an unprincipled swine, I am allowed to call the animals in question out for their TB. With this in mind I have created

The Menagerie of Twatty Animals

Here it is, a showcase of the animals in the world that do twatty things in the name of survival. Exploiting their position in a given situation to advance their species in a twatty way. If a human did it you’d call them a twat, an animal does it, I call em a twat. You may know no better, but you are still a twat. There are a couple of rules to aid us here

• The creature doesn’t really NEED to do what it does to survive
• The TB  must be common to the species

I have 4 creatures to start this collection with but I’m only gonna submit 2 in this blog, that seems enough for now. Here goes!

Entrant #1 – The Pelican

The genesis of this whole idea. Until very recently I had no beef with the Pelican. I thought it was a perfectly reasonable animal until I saw them featured in Attenborough’s documentary Life. Go watch the following clip and return here

Why the Pelican is a wanker

For those who whatever reason can’t see it. This video concerns the Cape Gannets living on the Malagas Islands. These little birds raise their chicks on bare rock and fly out to see to catch fish for their young. Until comparatively recently only one of the Cape Gannet parents needed to fish so the other could stay back and guard the chick. Due to low fish stocks (we’re the biggest twats of all, but we know this) now both parents have to go, leaving the chick undefended. This is where the Pelican steps in.

Having noticed this unfortunate turn of events for the Cape Gannet, the Pelicans have started doing something massively twatty.

Eating the Cape Gannet chicks

When I saw it I was horrified. Seeing the poor little sod flap about in the Pelican’s enormous envelope face was awful. How could an animal that until I hadn’t given a moments thought before, go and do something so unfathomably twatty? I thought you were better than that, Pelicans.

As far as I see it, the Pelicans don’t *need* to eat the chicks, but it helps them so they do it anyway. This is not an honourable way to be. Pressures of the environment, whatever. I care not. If I was a Pelican I wouldn’t do it.

Well done Pelicans, you’re in the collection. Assholes.

Entrant #2 – The Young of the Japanese Red Bug

This doesn’t concern the adult of this species, I refer specifically to the young. I again noticed this in an episode of Life. I was able to find this one on Youtube (skip to about 3 minutes in)

The Japanese Red Bug is one of the only insects to actually care for it’s young. This is quite a gesture, especially when you consider the amount of children they have. The children in this situation are complete twats.

Their mother is constantly fetching food for them, all the time, never eating for itself. The kids eat the food and demand more. If they don’t get more quick enough…they leave. They abandon their own parents because the *service* isn’t up to their standards. Talk about ungrateful.

In addition to this, when they join another mother they run her into the ground. They keep eating the food she brings until she dies of exhaustion. They work their mother, foster or otherwise, to death.

The final nail in this particularly twatty coffin is the final act they perform upon the parent that has died to raise them.

They eat her

They kill their own parent with their selfish whiny demands, then as a final humiliation they feed on her exhausted corpse. If this isn’t a grade A example of TB then I don’t know what is.

They are twats, plain and simple and they have thoroughly earned their place in the Menagerie.

That’s it for now. I have 2 more entrants to submit but this blog is getting a bit long and you’re probably sick of it by now. Stay tuned for more twatty animals!