At first I thought it was my occasional habit of being venomous towards anything mainstream, but I knew if I thought about it long enough I could crystalise my ideas into something more cohesive. I did it. I produced a polished, perfectly cut diamond of irritation.

I first heard someone talking about Kate Nash quite some time ago. It was the infamous line:

“You said I must eat so many lemons cos I am so bitter …I said I’d rather be with your friends mate, cos they are much fitter”

Now. I was initially annoyed by it, mainly because of the word fitter. Colloquialisms in songs get on my nerves, I was later to discover that this was one of the cornerstones of my objection to Nash’s…stuff. I then heard the song, didn’t think much of it and moved on. Then came Mouthwash. I was listening to it on the radio and was kinda stunned into silence. I remember talking to the guy I get a lift with asking, “is she just gonna talk about her anatomy?”.

Now at first I thought I was missing some kind of profundity here. Am I not able to process the meaning here? I know she’s saying something, but what is it really? and do I give a shit? does she even know what she’s saying?

I remember listening to a comedienne called Katy Brand talking about the song on the radio, she said “she’s clearly got talent but I wish she’d sing about something a bit more inspirational, her last song started with the line, this is my face”. Right on sister.

For a long time I knew people were falling over about this stuff, but couldn’t really understand why. I was getting frustrated, I wanted something more concrete to base my objections on rather than just saying it was because it was popular, I’d like to think I’m a little less judgmental than that (though probably not :P).

Now, Kate’s latest offering, Merry Happy, finally took the biscuit.

Listening to Merry Happy put me on the path to finding out some answers to finally legitimise my annoyance. I have embedded a youtube based example for you to peruse. I’m gonna break this song down, I won’t struggle, my description should show why I’m confident, you’ll see what I mean later. Anyway…sing it Kate!

When listening to the song, it felt very procedural. I started thinking of it in a programmatical (yeah) sense. Do this, then go to here, do this. This meant I could break this song down very easily and study it like a very interesting frog thats brainwashing people into liking it somehow. After rigorous study I was able to establish the composite parts which present a good rule of thumb for a Kate Nash song. Shall we?

1) Playing an instrument
Playing an instrument instantly grants some level of musical credibility. Though I can have no real objection to this because that would be rather rich coming from someone who can only play the guitar (hero). But for the purposes of demonstration here is an example of this part from Merry Happy.

Remarkable dexterity…

So there’s our first part, onward to the more objectionable parts.

2) Catchy bit
Ah yes, the catchy bit, the bit that sticks in your head. Kate pulls this off with a plomb with this juicy little nugget of gibberish.

You’ll be doo, doo, dooing before you know it. These two elements aren’t really that objectionable, now we move onto the good stuff.

3) Psuedo Profundity
This is one of Nash’s most powerful weapons in winning over the masses. Like Darth Maul’s lightsaber it has two blades…both staggeringly powerful. They are:

* Colloquialisms
* Stating the Obvious

3a) Colloquialisms
It is here that I start to feel a bit stabby. Nash has a habit dropping in references to everyday things which I can only see is to make her songs more accessible. It works in the same way The Streets worked. Lee and I had many occasions to giggle about emulating The Streets, stringing together a colloquialism with a bit of this bullshit wishy washy “genius”. Lines like, “She turned away and I saw straight through her…bangers & mash…innit”.

Nash takes it to a whole new level. The more I look back on the songs I’d heard before, the more it rung true…the bitter/fitter stuff especially. Merry Happy is certainly no exception…

Where does she dance? What does she eat?

I see. Now when you first met, what did he first notice about you? was it your chestnut eyes? your flame red hair? your enchanting norf landan accent?

and how did he encapsulating his feelings of your bum? who did you tell this to?

Now pardon my cynicism, but isn’t this just a bit…empty? I can’t help but feel people are saying, “I dance at discos! I eat cheese on toast! this is brilliant!”.

3b) Stating the obvious
I really do think this is Kate’s greatest strength. Stating the obvious and making it sound deep. I don’t know she does it, but its what made me question my capability to understand it. I really thought there was more to it, This is my face, this is my body, this is my skin. Well done Kate, this is my brain, not giving a toss. Now I don’t know if she does this on purpose, probably not, but she sounds like she’s saying something really deep…but she isn’t. I suppose it depends how willing you are to get wisked away by it. I’m not, so I see it without the varnish of “meaning”.

Merry Happy has one particularly good bit which demonstrates her talent for dressing up the obvious. Go for it darling.

Really? So obvious, so easy, so accessible. Ugh. Saying vaguely meaningful things in a dumb downed stupid way to broaden the appeal. It just seems lazy to me….or something.

Conclusions
I don’t like Kate Nash songs. They seem to be to be overly simplified to be more inclusive. Accessibility is dressed up in the guise of profundity so people will get into it thinking its deep when it may not be. I remember on one of Pitman’s albums he said, “Simple people like simple songs”. Now if you can adorn a simple song with the trappings of the Radioheads, The Rage Against the Machines and the Beatles (3 off the top of my head) of this world, you may be onto a winner.

I suppose the making the simple look complex is an art in itself, I struggle to figure out if Nash uses simple complexity or complex simplicity. Either way mix of the two seems unneccessary to me. Hell what do I know? Maybe it is genius and I’m just missing the point. I’ve justified my annoyance to myself and for me that’s enough.

Just a quick one…

I was perusing the BBC News website as I’m known to do as an alternative to actually working and the headline seemed a little….funny. May I draw your attention to the headline, highlighted in pink and a subsequent source of laughter fromthe first bullet point highlighted in green.

p.s. I think it’s also quite funny that fat people might have crap sperm…

http://www.imageloop.com/en/slideshow/706a25b3-645b-1312-b7fe-0015c5fcf618/index.htm

I might write about the second half of my holiday btw, It’s done now so I dunno if theres any point, it was rad though :)

p.s. If you click the “show slideshow” button it plays some lovely music :)

Japan is mad. Proper proper mad. You have to see it for yourself to realise just how crazy it is. I could into detail on how barmy it is…but a) I don’t think I have enough time to write it all up and b) I don’t think enough people read this to make it worth stir it all up in that whimsical soup I like to do. So here’s a bullet pointed list of everything I can remember happening.

• Almost gave someone in the airport a cynical response to a stupid question but thought better of it.
• Got the french time wrong and if the shops were open I would have missed my flight (but I didn’t).
• Watched Benjamin Button on the plane (meh)
• Got to Narita fine
• Met a drunk frenchman in immigration, eating a baguette and asking me how much it costs to call france.
• Customs asked me politely if I had any cocaine.
• Met Shaun and took the crazy long train journey to his place.
• Had Naruto style awesome ramen.
• Went to sleep v late Nippon time which lead me to wake up at 8pm monday Nippon time, not clever.
• Bought some strawberry lollipops and found a little arcade with Marvel vs Capcom 2
• Next day went to Kamakura (holiday begins really)
• Kamakura is ace, loads of old shrines and such
• Beeped a japanese babies nose
• Had a tuna triangle rice thingee, proper yum
• Saw a massive Buddha’s sandals
• Had sushi in Machida, same as Yo Sushi but £25s worth for £5
• Went to bar in..Japan somewhere…met Shauns cool friends and chatted to Japanese girls about stuff
• Next day, went to watch Japanese football
• Kawasaki Frontale won 4-1…Japanese goal celebrations are a sight to behold
• Went to Shibuya…proper Tokyo neon madness
• Saw some hip hop kids dancing in the street while a basketball team did a beep test (I think)
• Sat in the park for an hour, highlights a man with a samurai sword and a man with his child playing beatles songs
• Mike, Shaun and I went to a really cool Japanese restaurant, getting better with chopsticks
• After spending about 600 Yen, sussed GuitarFreaks v6
• Today, went to a Shrine remembering dead war heroes and a very biased War museum
• Then went to a Science musuem and played with all kinds of daft toys (crashed a car)
• Off to Akihabara which is geek madness central, sat in the famicom throne
• Had a lovely (and cheap) Katsu curry
• Shaun and I went to a Maid Cafe, was rubbish

And thats about it. Has been a riot and I still have ages to go! Mount Takou tomorrow and loads of other stuff to do. I intend to buy a new pair of trainers and maybe a watch…party party :)

“With forgiveness and selfrestraint and wisdom, been consumed by the brahmanas curse. O chief with plentiful gifts (to brahmanas), stood each birds and snakes, deprived of life, fell into common sense was deserting me, and i was on the home? Who plunged those children into worse than faces resembling those of human beings, and those which cause sensations, they simply maintained that best of preceptors, bhishma, that mighty competent to vanquish me in battle! I shall today speed, they roared at each other. Those two delighters, bane of my life. We had once come out of the theatre truth, old man. I can’t do it. Ivanoff’s head.”

And the title of the email“Female Orgasms – How to Givve Your Woman Powerful Orgasms During Intercourse”

Your guess is as good as mine…

“Mate, does this one go to Bournemuff?”

To which I wittyly replied

“Yeah”

To which he retorted

“You sure this goes to Bournemuff?”

I repeated myself

“Yeah”

After the cut and thrust of reasoned debate we got on the train and he sat on the seat in front of me. Now ever since waking up, my single focus was getting on that train so I could fall asleep again. I realised this was going to be impossible when my nostrils caught a whiff of the Lord’s cologne, a smattering of Lynx with the overwhelming aroma of stale beer. It swiftly became clear that the Lord was smashed…at 9 in the morning. I hasten to add this was confirmed when he opened another can of lager.

As the train rolls merrily forward, I think I’m out of the woods, but when the train leaves Brockenhurst station I realise I’m in the New Forest both metaphorically and literally when he requires my counsel once again.

“Mate, how long till we get to Bournemuff?”

Quick as a flash I came back with

“15 minutes”

I get the obligatory confirmation

“You sure it’s 15 minutes?”

I confirm

“Yeah”

Now bare in mind it’s 9am when the next line is uttered

“Better be, I’ve gotta be in court and arf nine”

It was at this time that it all fell into place. But before I summarise how much of a fuck up this chap was, I must divulge the final piece of dialogue between myself and the Lord.

I thought I was home free when he quizzes my vast life experience, why else would he hire me as his personal assistant.

“Mate, are these clothes smart enough for court?”

I replied

“I don’t know, I’ve never been”

He was taken aback and asked

“You’ve never been to court?”

Now with my brief but enjoyable time with the Lord I assumed going to court was not an unfamiliar experience for him. But I found it amusing that he either had been to court before and had forgotten the required attire, or the even more amusing idea that he’s never been to court before and doesn’t know and is annoyed with me for having never been to court before and not knowing…As it happens he quite clearly wasn’t dressed for court….

So lets wrap this up. Here we have a man, drunk and still drinking, getting on a train at 8:45 to go to court…in a different county…at 9:30, wearing a denim shirt, jeans, trainers and a black tie which looked like a 5 year old tied it. This my friends was the Lord of Fuck Ups.

As a piece of equipment for doing everything it’s supposed to do, it’s great, colour me satisfied. All the bells and whistles that can keep a shallow person like me entertained for hours. BUT…it’s outright refusal to work outside it’s strictly defined happy place and it’s staunch opposition to play with the other kids on my desktop has troubled me somewhat. If you try to connect it to another instance of iTunes other than the one it’s synced with it complains and the at feint whiff of anything other than iTunes sends it into a full blown hissy fit of screaming, tears and error messages. I’ve had to factory restore it 3 times as it runs home to mummy (iTunes) to have it’s tummy rubbed. My iPhone is a spoiled only child, the type that eat their smaller siblings.

Now my protestations here are rather more theatrical than my actual opinion, it’s not my iPhones fault it’s parents are over protective twats who probably eat organic food to look sophisticated. It just seems these limitations are put in place to keep you in the Apple district. What more do they want? I just paid for the fucking thing, would be nice to be able to use it how I wanna use it.

It being Apple as well makes it worse. They give off this impression of the progressive, web 2.0 embracing hipster bohemians whilst seemingly embracing the “my way or the highway buddy!” approach by Bill of Gates and his army of bespectacled toadies. The whole scene is tainted by hypocrisy…and that makes me a sad panda.

My hippy objections aside, it really is nifty gizmoid. I just wish Apple were actually as cool with it as they wanna look like they are.

I’ve completed 2!!!

First up was Flight of the Amazon Queen, a game about Joe King, pilot for hire and his adventures in the amazon jungle.

I was eager to play FOTAQ because it was one of the only SCUMM games I played that I never completed. This eagerness coupled with a foggy memory lead me it seems to build this up to be something better than it is.

The voiceovers are bordering on diabolical, initially funny due to their crapness but after a while, it just gets annoying. They talk really slowly so any joke in the game falls flat on it’s arse. That and the ending is well….shit.

It did have one golden moment, right at the beginning of the game when a gorilla blocks your path. After attempting banana based negotiations you open a dialogue with regards to the Gorilla’s home, Africa, and in particular that they’re in South America. Having realised this, the gorilla buggers off!

Now for something a lot better. Beneath a Steel Sky.

This game is a fucking cracker, brilliant intro, great voiceovers, awesome jokes, fantastic story, beautifully animated. I’d forgotton pretty much everything about it, but loved it to death. It was such a refreshing change from FOTAQ, it had depth, soul and humour.

The games concerns a castaway called Robert Foster who is forcibly taken from his adoptive family in the gap, a village in the middle of nowhere, back to the city he was born in. On the journey back the transport he is aboard crashes and you are left to figure out why you’ve been brought back.

I could go on for a while about the great characters, the quality puzzles, brilliant jokes and awesome story, but I’d rather you played it and enjoyed this for yourself, you can get the game free at Scummvm.org, please play it.

Golden moments? So many, but I think my favourite has to be dog acrobatics (also make sure you check out Robert’s jumper).

Next on the list is Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis….time to get that darwinian nightmare out of my way.

Now, this movie is your standard blub movie about believing in your imagination etc, in which these boys provide Barrie with the ideas for Pan. One of the children is called Peter (go figure) and is thought to be main influence for the character of Peter, funny that. The movie portrays him as a strong willful little scamp with a heart of gold, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, it’ll change your life. You should get an idea of what I mean by watching this…

So have you a particularly vivid whimsical image in your mind of our young Peter? Good, let me bring in the wrecking crew then. Let me quote for you the latter half of the wiki entry for one Peter Llewelyn Davies…

“Davies was part of the generation of young men who participated in World War I. He was a Signal Officer in France and spent his fair share of time in the trenches; at one point he was hospitalized with impetigo. He ultimately won the Military Cross, but was scarred by his wartime experience.

In 1917, while still in the military, Davies met and began to court Vera Willoughby, which was one of the first in a series of events that would estrange him from Barrie, who still served as his financial guardian. Willoughby was married and a good deal older than Peter, which scandalized Barrie and caused a rift between the two.

Around this time, Davies suffered a series of family tragedies, beginning with the death of his brother George, who was killed at 21 in the trenches during World War I. His brother Michael drowned under suspicious circumstances at the age of 20 while at Oxford. Michael’s best friend Rupert Buxton drowned with him, causing some to speculate that they may have been lovers in a suicide pact.

Davies went on to be a publisher, and had mixed feelings about having his name associated with what he called “that terrible masterpiece”. But perhaps the worst insult was being cut out of Barrie’s will — instead of going to the surviving brothers, upon his death in 1937 Barrie’s fortune went to his secretary, Cynthia Asquith. (In 1929, Barrie gave the copyright to Peter Pan to Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children in London). Some have speculated that this drove Llewelyn Davies to drink — he eventually became an alcoholic.

On April 5, 1960, after lingering at the bar of the Royal Court Hotel, 63-year-old Davies walked to nearby Sloane Square and committed suicide by throwing himself under a train as it was pulling into the station. A coroner’s jury ruled he had killed himself “while the balance of his mind was disturbed”. At the time of his suicide, he had been editing family papers and letters, assembling them into a document he called the Morgue. He had more or less reached the documents having to do with his brother Michael’s possible suicide. Another factor possibly contributing to his suicide was the knowledge that his wife and all three of his sons had inherited Huntington’s disease.”

Now we shouldn’t laugh at this. But come on, Peter Pan’s brother dies in a gay suicide pact and in later years the booze hound throws himself in front of a train. It might be dark of me to find this funny. But I do, but a only a little bit.

The full wiki entry on this cheery soul can be found here

N

got **** all on my face
When’d this fecalamity take place?
shudda stuck wit “Yo’ Wish Is Granted”
I wouldn’t smell, I’d still be safe

But no, I had to be couragous
skippin’ nineteen ****ing pages
except that bit where The_amp killed people
with his intimate mass-ages

I suppose I should add – y’all’s rhymes is whack
and uh…. your mommas suck **** for crack?
Ah **** this, I’m going back to the Pokemon thread
I’m done pretending that I’m black.
Turtwig ‘92, beeeeeyatch!

J

Turtwig? jeeze boy shut the fudge up.
Dat thing don’t got **** on my Piplup.

N

Ha!
yo’ Piplup may like to *front* tough
but weekends, he calls himself the Jigglypuff.
you see him dancin’ tables for a quarter
for 50 cent, he’ll do things I don’t think he oughtta
(at least not with males, that **** is scary!
or with non-breedable legendaries)

J

Piplup’s my first, a decoy as such
but this next pokemon might scare you a touch
he’s big and he’s fat and he’s cool to the max
prepare to get served, i choose you snorlax.

N

I’m gonna give that fat ****
a rude awakening
cause this second choice
will set the ground a-shakening
then he’ll bury yo’ ass in tonnes’a debris and rock
cause his name is geodude and you can suck his granite ****.

J

lets take a look at the choices thus far
it is obvious that yours are clearly sub par
geodude and turtwig…afraid of evolution?
no, not for me, torch him typholsion!

N

Man, you trying to make me laugh my self to death?
He’s an angry rodent with bad breath!
Feraligatr, put them flames out then rip his heart out of his chest.
I cudda sworn you said “evolution”
not “evil vole with mouth polution”

J

Oh you’re so mean, with the big bad croc
But here’s a pokemon that some may mock
She’s big and she’s pink and she sounds like a wuss
Go on Chancey, beat that sour puss (sorry)
This may seem like an ill favoured choice
And before you proclaim that with your thick irish voice
You’ll never beat chancey take it from me
This is because she has 4 jillion HP.

N

I got a cure for all that health
One most leave dust-gath’rin’ on the shelf
My buck-toothed first-gen friend Rattatta
‘ll squash you’re Chancey like a Tomat-ta (ouch)
Hit him hard? Hell, he’ll bounce back :
Endure ! Endeavour! Quick Attack!
Not so smart now, eh MixMaster?
Ever seen a bitch lie down faster?

J

Nostalgia I see, I can dig that
I gotta choice that’ll bum that crap rat
The first choice of Ash, the little ball of fluff
But I’m afraid that pikachu is not powerful enough
But when he evolves, you won’t know what to do
Get ready robut. Kick his ass Raichu!

N

With all them lightning bolts you hurl
Methinks your confidence’s ill-founded
Ain’t you played diamond yet? or Pearl?
Don’t you know Gastrodon is grounded?
Raichu’ll wish he never faced it
You got one pokeball left – don’t waste it.

J

Ive been saving the best for my final stroke.
And because your such a nice bloke.
I’m gonna pick an unbalanced pokemon that none can beat.
I don’t really care if you call me a cheat.
This psychic monster entombed for 20 years or more
Only accessible when you beat the elite four.
As he approaches he predicts the end for you.
bye my friend, destroy him Mewtwo.

But wait, what the hell is going on?
Oh **** now I know what I’ve done!
No no no this isn’t good at all
It seems I chose the wrong ball
It’s about now I should say oh ****
Because I just summoned ****ing Psyduck.

N

Well that ain’t no kinda fight and you ain’t no kinda trainer
shudda stuck to the less demanding thrills of “Pokemon Ranger”
I’m kinda feeling sorry that your little friend’s in danger
but I’ve chosen my last pokemon – I ain’t about to change her

So you better take cover, you best prepare to retreat back
Have a change of shorts on standby ‘case you current ones you crap
she’s only level 19 now, her evolved powers she might lack
but Magikarp, go show this prick your mother****ing Splash attack.

J

Nun my dear friend, we’ve laid down our cards
and it would seem that we both are retards
with these two battling we could be here all year
might I suggest we leave them to it and go for a beer
and so ladies, gentlemen and general OT gang
this fight didn’t really end with a bang
I think we have shown, through excessive babble
There’s nothing more stupid than a ****ing rap battle.

And so ends another chapter of “How To Waste Time”. Till next time :)