I’ve been whinging at quite a few people about this now and I’m gonna take my time…air my grievances…maybe punch a baby then move on with my life.The subject of my rant is Kate Nash. I’m sure she’s lovely but her songs just fuck me off.

At first I thought it was my occasional habit of being venomous towards anything mainstream, but I knew if I thought about it long enough I could crystalise my ideas into something more cohesive. I did it. I produced a polished, perfectly cut diamond of irritation.

I first heard someone talking about Kate Nash quite some time ago. It was the infamous line:

“You said I must eat so many lemons cos I am so bitter …I said I’d rather be with your friends mate, cos they are much fitter”

Now. I was initially annoyed by it, mainly because of the word fitter. Colloquialisms in songs get on my nerves, I was later to discover that this was one of the cornerstones of my objection to Nash’s…stuff. I then heard the song, didn’t think much of it and moved on. Then came Mouthwash. I was listening to it on the radio and was kinda stunned into silence. I remember talking to the guy I get a lift with asking, “is she just gonna talk about her anatomy?”.

Now at first I thought I was missing some kind of profundity here. Am I not able to process the meaning here? I know she’s saying something, but what is it really? and do I give a shit? does she even know what she’s saying?

I remember listening to a comedienne called Katy Brand talking about the song on the radio, she said “she’s clearly got talent but I wish she’d sing about something a bit more inspirational, her last song started with the line, this is my face”. Right on sister.

For a long time I knew people were falling over about this stuff, but couldn’t really understand why. I was getting frustrated, I wanted something more concrete to base my objections on rather than just saying it was because it was popular, I’d like to think I’m a little less judgmental than that (though probably not :P).

Now, Kate’s latest offering, Merry Happy, finally took the biscuit.

Listening to Merry Happy put me on the path to finding out some answers to finally legitimise my annoyance. I have embedded a youtube based example for you to peruse. I’m gonna break this song down, I won’t struggle, my description should show why I’m confident, you’ll see what I mean later. Anyway…sing it Kate!

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When listening to the song, it felt very procedural. I started thinking of it in a programmatical (yeah) sense. Do this, then go to here, do this. This meant I could break this song down very easily and study it like a very interesting frog thats brainwashing people into liking it somehow. After rigorous study I was able to establish the composite parts which present a good rule of thumb for a Kate Nash song. Shall we?

1) Playing an instrument
Playing an instrument instantly grants some level of musical credibility. Though I can have no real objection to this because that would be rather rich coming from someone who can only play the guitar (hero). But for the purposes of demonstration here is an example of this part from Merry Happy.

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Remarkable dexterity…

So there’s our first part, onward to the more objectionable parts.

2) Catchy bit
Ah yes, the catchy bit, the bit that sticks in your head. Kate pulls this off with a plomb with this juicy little nugget of gibberish.

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You’ll be doo, doo, dooing before you know it. These two elements aren’t really that objectionable, now we move onto the good stuff.

3) Psuedo Profundity
This is one of Nash’s most powerful weapons in winning over the masses. Like Darth Maul’s lightsaber it has two blades…both staggeringly powerful. They are:

* Colloquialisms
* Stating the Obvious

3a) Colloquialisms
It is here that I start to feel a bit stabby. Nash has a habit dropping in references to everyday things which I can only see is to make her songs more accessible. It works in the same way The Streets worked. Lee and I had many occasions to giggle about emulating The Streets, stringing together a colloquialism with a bit of this bullshit wishy washy “genius”. Lines like, “She turned away and I saw straight through her…bangers & mash…innit”.

Nash takes it to a whole new level. The more I look back on the songs I’d heard before, the more it rung true…the bitter/fitter stuff especially. Merry Happy is certainly no exception…

Where does she dance? What does she eat?

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I see. Now when you first met, what did he first notice about you? was it your chestnut eyes? your flame red hair? your enchanting norf landan accent?

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and how did he encapsulating his feelings of your bum? who did you tell this to?

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Now pardon my cynicism, but isn’t this just a bit…empty? I can’t help but feel people are saying, “I dance at discos! I eat cheese on toast! this is brilliant!”.

3b) Stating the obvious
I really do think this is Kate’s greatest strength. Stating the obvious and making it sound deep. I don’t know she does it, but its what made me question my capability to understand it. I really thought there was more to it, This is my face, this is my body, this is my skin. Well done Kate, this is my brain, not giving a toss. Now I don’t know if she does this on purpose, probably not, but she sounds like she’s saying something really deep…but she isn’t. I suppose it depends how willing you are to get wisked away by it. I’m not, so I see it without the varnish of “meaning”.

Merry Happy has one particularly good bit which demonstrates her talent for dressing up the obvious. Go for it darling.

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Really? So obvious, so easy, so accessible. Ugh. Saying vaguely meaningful things in a dumb downed stupid way to broaden the appeal. It just seems lazy to me….or something.

Conclusions
I don’t like Kate Nash songs. They seem to be to be overly simplified to be more inclusive. Accessibility is dressed up in the guise of profundity so people will get into it thinking its deep when it may not be. I remember on one of Pitman’s albums he said, “Simple people like simple songs”. Now if you can adorn a simple song with the trappings of the Radioheads, The Rage Against the Machines and the Beatles (3 off the top of my head) of this world, you may be onto a winner.

I suppose the making the simple look complex is an art in itself, I struggle to figure out if Nash uses simple complexity or complex simplicity. Either way mix of the two seems unneccessary to me. Hell what do I know? Maybe it is genius and I’m just missing the point. I’ve justified my annoyance to myself and for me that’s enough.

Blast from the past, found this on majigger

Just a quick one…

I was perusing the BBC News website as I’m known to do as an alternative to actually working and the headline seemed a little….funny. May I draw your attention to the headline, highlighted in pink and a subsequent source of laughter fromthe first bullet point highlighted in green.

p.s. I think it’s also quite funny that fat people might have crap sperm…

This phenomenon is a joy to behold. They have a canny ability to pick the most stupid picture of the player in question when writing an article about them. I have prepared a little slide show to demonstrate this. I used to embed it, but the autoplay gets really quite annoying after a while :P

http://www.imageloop.com/en/slideshow/706a25b3-645b-1312-b7fe-0015c5fcf618/index.htm

I might write about the second half of my holiday btw, It’s done now so I dunno if theres any point, it was rad though :)

p.s. If you click the “show slideshow” button it plays some lovely music :)

Here I am in an internet cafe in Japan…somewhere…I forget the name of the place Shaun lives. All the things I was concerned about went without issue which was nice. I could have missed the plane at Charles De Gaul due to not remembering the hour forward thing, but I didn’t, no harm no foul.

Japan is mad. Proper proper mad. You have to see it for yourself to realise just how crazy it is. I could into detail on how barmy it is…but a) I don’t think I have enough time to write it all up and b) I don’t think enough people read this to make it worth stir it all up in that whimsical soup I like to do. So here’s a bullet pointed list of everything I can remember happening.

• Almost gave someone in the airport a cynical response to a stupid question but thought better of it.
• Got the french time wrong and if the shops were open I would have missed my flight (but I didn’t).
• Watched Benjamin Button on the plane (meh)
• Got to Narita fine
• Met a drunk frenchman in immigration, eating a baguette and asking me how much it costs to call france.
• Customs asked me politely if I had any cocaine.
• Met Shaun and took the crazy long train journey to his place.
• Had Naruto style awesome ramen.
• Went to sleep v late Nippon time which lead me to wake up at 8pm monday Nippon time, not clever.
• Bought some strawberry lollipops and found a little arcade with Marvel vs Capcom 2
• Next day went to Kamakura (holiday begins really)
• Kamakura is ace, loads of old shrines and such
• Beeped a japanese babies nose
• Had a tuna triangle rice thingee, proper yum
• Saw a massive Buddha’s sandals
• Had sushi in Machida, same as Yo Sushi but £25s worth for £5
• Went to bar in..Japan somewhere…met Shauns cool friends and chatted to Japanese girls about stuff
• Next day, went to watch Japanese football
• Kawasaki Frontale won 4-1…Japanese goal celebrations are a sight to behold
• Went to Shibuya…proper Tokyo neon madness
• Saw some hip hop kids dancing in the street while a basketball team did a beep test (I think)
• Sat in the park for an hour, highlights a man with a samurai sword and a man with his child playing beatles songs
• Mike, Shaun and I went to a really cool Japanese restaurant, getting better with chopsticks
• After spending about 600 Yen, sussed GuitarFreaks v6
• Today, went to a Shrine remembering dead war heroes and a very biased War museum
• Then went to a Science musuem and played with all kinds of daft toys (crashed a car)
• Off to Akihabara which is geek madness central, sat in the famicom throne
• Had a lovely (and cheap) Katsu curry
• Shaun and I went to a Maid Cafe, was rubbish

And thats about it. Has been a riot and I still have ages to go! Mount Takou tomorrow and loads of other stuff to do. I intend to buy a new pair of trainers and maybe a watch…party party :)

Was reading my spam directory for giggles (and to stock up on willy biggers) and found this baffling email.

“With forgiveness and selfrestraint and wisdom, been consumed by the brahmanas curse. O chief with plentiful gifts (to brahmanas), stood each birds and snakes, deprived of life, fell into common sense was deserting me, and i was on the home? Who plunged those children into worse than faces resembling those of human beings, and those which cause sensations, they simply maintained that best of preceptors, bhishma, that mighty competent to vanquish me in battle! I shall today speed, they roared at each other. Those two delighters, bane of my life. We had once come out of the theatre truth, old man. I can’t do it. Ivanoff’s head.”

And the title of the email“Female Orgasms – How to Givve Your Woman Powerful Orgasms During Intercourse”

Your guess is as good as mine…