We all identify a set of rules when we go to do something. You set out a few rules which thin out your possible choices. For example, buying a car, might have something like
- The colour must be red
- It must have 4 doors
- It must cost less than £30,000
The keyword here is MUST. I learned the true value of the word must in university doing requirements engineering. You have to strictly define what the software must and must not do.
I realise this has been quite boring up until now but we need context people!
I was having a chat with TheFagCasanova about the possible middle name of the Ski Jumper, Andreas Wank. We decided Alan would be best and then we moved onto good cat names and reminded me that I have strict rules for potential cat names.
Before I lay out my rules, I decided to quiz the Twitterati about their cat’s name to see if any subscribed to my strict naming policy. They didn’t disappoint in their diversity
- Big Dave Jeffries
- Fattie
- Thinnie
- Bumble
- Velvet Moon
- Hector
- Bill
- Fluff
- Bob
- Other One
- Lola
- Hamble
- Chloe
- Flower
- Twinkle
- Milo
- Ghandi
- Darren
- Saucepan
- Lao
- Raspberry Watkins
- Bootsie
- Oscar
- Tiger
- Flying Tiger Fury
- Smudge
Aren’t they marvellous? But! as marvellous as they are, only one fits the bill as defined by me
Darren
The splendiferous magicnose nailed it with the only one that truly subscribes to my rules.
So what are my rules? I hear you shout as your spit your fish supper all over the screen (you should really clean that up). Well I’ll tell you, the rules are as follows
MUSTS
- It must not be traditional cats name (Fluffy, Marbles etc)
- It must not be a name that could be attributed to a comedy horse (Colin, Charlie etc)
- It must not be a name that could be attributed to an WW2 army general (Archibald, Wilberforce etc)
- It must not be a name that could be attributed to troubled Anime character (Azrael, Jiro etc)
DESIRABLES
- It should be a name that can be attributed to a man who works in a garden centre
- It should be a full forename (Don’t care for Bob, for example)
EXAMPLES
- Darren
- Liam
- Alan
- John (possibly Johnathan)
- Simon
- Richard
- Robert (not Bob)
- Ian
- Paul
- Matthew (not Matt)
As an example, I went on holiday to Spain with my dad and sister a couple of years ago and I explained these rules to Sophie. We spent a fair chunk of time, a good hour, walking across the big rock of Gibraltar in complete silence save for
Sophie: “Stephen?”
Jason: “With a ph?”
Sophie: “Yeah”
Jason: “Perfect”
We built up quite a list, great fun.
Now I must stress these are my rules, this is my system. I would never begrudge a Cat name you choose, I just personally wouldn’t choose it. I’m not going for a world domination here, no thanks, too much hassle. I just have my own system for naming cats, you can call yours what you like, live and let live. But if you ask me what you should call your cat, then its game on.
This mainly extends to Male cats. Because the ladies have two X chromosomes they are twice as varied and thus harder to define. Us males only have one X and the Y is redundant meaning we’re a lot easier to pigeon hole, it’s a pleasure.
Naming female cats is like plotting a ladies drinking timeline, the typical male drinking timeline is a lot easier to nail down. There are obviously some deviations from the mean but this is a good indicator of where a man is in his life
Cheap Cider/Alcopop >> Cheap Lager >> Stronger Lager >> Proper Cider >> Stout >> Real Ale >> Real Ale with a Handle >> Whiskey Straight >> Whiskey with Water >> Death
Women? I’ll be buggered if I know. Female cat names? Same story.
So there you have it, my hard and fast rules for an acceptable name for a Male Cat. Hell why not? female cats too. To be honest it would be quite funny to own a girl cat called Andrew (not Andy).








