Archive for the ‘Madness’ Category

Requirements of a Cat’s name

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

We all identify a set of rules when we go to do something. You set out a few rules which thin out your possible choices. For example, buying a car, might have something like

  • The colour must be red
  • It must have 4 doors
  • It must cost less than £30,000

The keyword here is MUST. I learned the true value of the word must in university doing requirements engineering. You have to strictly define what the software must and must not do.

I realise this has been quite boring up until now but we need context people!

I was having a chat with TheFagCasanova about the possible middle name of the Ski Jumper, Andreas Wank. We decided Alan would be best and then we moved onto good cat names and reminded me that I have strict rules for potential cat names.

Before I lay out my rules, I decided to quiz the Twitterati about their cat’s name to see if any subscribed to my strict naming policy. They didn’t disappoint in their diversity

Big Dave Jeffries
Bumble
Velvet Moon
Hector
Bill
Fluff
Bob
Other One
Lola
Hamble
Chloe
Flower
Twinkle
Milo
Ghandi
Darren
Saucepan
Lao
Raspberry Watkins
Bootsie
Oscar
  • Big Dave Jeffries
  • Fattie
  • Thinnie
  • Bumble
  • Velvet Moon
  • Hector
  • Bill
  • Fluff
  • Bob
  • Other One
  • Lola
  • Hamble
  • Chloe
  • Flower
  • Twinkle
  • Milo
  • Ghandi
  • Darren
  • Saucepan
  • Lao
  • Raspberry Watkins
  • Bootsie
  • Oscar
  • Tiger
  • Flying Tiger Fury
  • Smudge

Aren’t they marvellous? But! as marvellous as they are, only one fits the bill as defined by me

Darren

The splendiferous magicnose nailed it with the only one that truly subscribes to my rules.

So what are my rules? I hear you shout as your spit your fish supper all over the screen (you should really clean that up). Well I’ll tell you, the rules are as follows

MUSTS

  • It must not be traditional cats name (Fluffy, Marbles etc)
  • It must not be a name that could be attributed to a comedy horse (Colin, Charlie etc)
  • It must not be a name that could be attributed to an WW2 army general (Archibald, Wilberforce etc)
  • It must not be a name that could be attributed to troubled Anime character (Azrael, Jiro etc)

DESIRABLES

  • It should be a name that can be attributed to a man who works in a garden centre
  • It should be a full forename (Don’t care for Bob, for example)

EXAMPLES

  • Darren
  • Liam
  • Alan
  • John (possibly Johnathan)
  • Simon
  • Richard
  • Robert (not Bob)
  • Ian
  • Paul
  • Matthew (not Matt)

As an example, I went on holiday to Spain with my dad and sister a couple of years ago and I explained these rules to Sophie. We spent a fair chunk of time, a good hour, walking across the big rock of Gibraltar in complete silence save for

Sophie: “Stephen?”

Jason: “With a ph?”

Sophie: “Yeah”

Jason: “Perfect”

We built up quite a list, great fun.

Now I must stress these are my rules, this is my system. I would never begrudge a Cat name you choose, I just personally wouldn’t choose it. I’m not going for a world domination here, no thanks, too much hassle. I just have my own system for naming cats, you can call yours what you like, live and let live. But if you ask me what you should call your cat, then its game on.

This mainly extends to Male cats. Because the ladies have two X chromosomes they are twice as varied and thus harder to define. Us males only have one X and the Y is redundant meaning we’re a lot easier to pigeon hole, it’s a pleasure.

Naming female cats is like plotting a ladies drinking timeline, the typical male drinking timeline is a lot easier to nail down. There are obviously some deviations from the mean but this is a good indicator of where a man is in his life

Cheap Cider/Alcopop >> Cheap Lager >> Stronger Lager >> Proper Cider >> Stout >> Real Ale >> Real Ale with a Handle >> Whiskey Straight >> Whiskey with Water >> Death

Women? I’ll be buggered if I know. Female cat names? Same story.

So there you have it, my hard and fast rules for an acceptable name for a Male Cat. Hell why not? female cats too. To be honest it would be quite funny to own a girl cat called Andrew (not Andy).

leagueoflethargy #2 – Making meals

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

We’re back with the League of Lethargy round 2! As soon as I posted the blog for round 1, I knew what round 2 would be.

Lazy Meals

This is a goldmine of truly lazy twatty behaviour of which I am a firm believer. So the question was proffered:

“What is the laziest meal you have ever made? #leagueoflethargy

I of course gave my best example

“Mine is a canned hot dog and spaghetti hoop sandwich. It was an awful awful thing.”

And the answers were a deluge, observe

the_incredulous  cuppa soup with cous-cous in. called chunk chicken soup. And pasta with butter and soy.
mergyeugnau: Soymilk drunk from the carton for your protein/hydration/CFS needs.
BearNoiz: Cheese… Id say pickled beetroot from the jar but that requires getting a fork & opening the jar
kirtle: Breadsticks and philadelphia.
wisecur: Laziest Meal : Beans on Toast…..Just un-toasted bread & open cold beans on it.
jendinary: cereals.
EthanRunt: I once made a burger that slouched next to me on the sofa, that’s a pretty lazy meal.
mikehjapan: ketchup in a bowl #leagueoflethargy
euzie: I used to just pour milk into Variety packs of cereal and drink it all on the way into town
atlasbagshaw: Cheese toasties for every meal for four days. Didn’t have one again for 2 years after that.
Theoutdoortypes: Pasta with butter. Not as nice as it sounds
OneInchMan:  Uncooked, dried spaghetti dipped in marmite.
euzie:  Pasta and Ketchup
kezbat: does having crisps for breakfast count? Big night out, didn’t go home, only had 60p left…
cripesonfriday: Oh, I once microwaved noodles, and poured a hot cup a soup over them to make noodle soup.Not great, not at all great.
NickMB: It’s a toss-up between ‘handful of rice’ and ‘glass of water’.
Sifter: a Creme Egg
stueymac71: Dry cereal, really couldn’t be arsed to add the milk #leagueoflethargy
cripesonfriday: I shook the toaster over a slice of bread once, didn’t even butter the bread. #leagueofletharg

the_incredulous: cuppa soup with cous-cous in. called chunk chicken soup. And pasta with butter and soy.

mergyeugnau: Soymilk drunk from the carton for your protein/hydration/CFS needs.

BearNoiz: Cheese… Id say pickled beetroot from the jar but that requires getting a fork & opening the jar

kirtle: Breadsticks and philadelphia.

wisecur: Laziest Meal : Beans on Toast…..Just un-toasted bread & open cold beans on it.

jendinary: cereals.

EthanRunt: I once made a burger that slouched next to me on the sofa, that’s a pretty lazy meal.

mikehjapan: ketchup in a bowl

euzie: I used to just pour milk into Variety packs of cereal and drink it all on the way into town

atlasbagshaw: Cheese toasties for every meal for four days. Didn’t have one again for 2 years after that.

Theoutdoortypes: Pasta with butter. Not as nice as it sounds

OneInchMan:  Uncooked, dried spaghetti dipped in marmite.

euzie:  Pasta and Ketchup

kezbat: does having crisps for breakfast count? Big night out, didn’t go home, only had 60p left…

cripesonfriday: Oh, I once microwaved noodles, and poured a hot cup a soup over them to make noodle soup.Not great, not at all great.

NickMB: It’s a toss-up between ‘handful of rice’ and ‘glass of water’.

Sifter: a Creme Egg

stueymac71: Dry cereal, really couldn’t be arsed to add the milk

cripesonfriday: I shook the toaster over a slice of bread once, didn’t even butter the bread.

This game never fails to disappoint :)

*Edit*

Because I’m rubbish I missed a comment from the lovely sylviegreen69 which is

“Get husband to phone order, pay at the door and bring you take out…”

This reminds me of the ideal way to order pizza. You need

  • A Nintendo Wii with internet access
  • A debit card
  • A sofa next to an open ground floor window

Order the pizza from a reputable online pizza delivery service (I suggest papajohns.co.uk) using the Wiimote so you only need to move on arm. Then when the pizza arrives and they knock the door, make a noise of hunger out of the window and get them to pass it down to you. Don’t tip.


It’s a rockin kinda christmas!

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

The UK chart Xmas number 1 has never meant a great deal to me. When I was a child I kinda watched it because I was incapable of any grand sense of analytical thought. But as soon as I started my adventure to find my music I gave up on the charts all together. Until this year….

We all know the story by now so I can’t be bothered to rehash it too much. The talent show X Factor has had the Xmas Chart all sewn up for 4 years now. It’s quite a boring state of affairs but I can have no great objection to it as as I said I haven’t taken any great interest in the music charts in general for some time now. There are people who do take an interest and were fed up with the status quo of X Factors uniform domination and started a campaign to get a different song to number 1 this year. The song was Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine (a personal fave, I’ve done the Macarena to it) and by gum they did it!

People have reacted to this in different ways as the obviously would. Some have loved it, some have hated it, some have placed unrealistic meaning upon it and others have pointed this out in typically lofty fashion. I’ve tried to take a broad view of it as I find myself easily lead by bandwagons.

The first point for me is this whole thing has been gloriously daft. If you subtract any weight of meaning, far reaching consequence and social commentary. Killing in the Name as Xmas #1 is a funny concept to me. The best quote I’ve seen on the subject was on twitter (obviously) where @mattleys (a guy who is certainly worth a follow) said:

” It’s a wonderful piece of Great British Mischief.”

The Xmas #1 has meant nothing for years and even when it meant something it still meant nothing. So to have a song that is so far from removed from Xmas as Xmas #1 is a funny concept. Simple, but funny.

That said, after the initial laugh about the farcical nature of this situation you have to address the song choice. I’ve thought about it quite a lot and the KITN is the one of the few songs that could work, it inspires so much in so many.  There were people like me who wanted it to happen for the laughs and others who attributed all kinds of grand ideas of fucking Simon Cowell which were clearly naive and misguided. The original nature of the song was intended to inspire such rebellion in people and said people have been seemingly conscripted into a campaign they have imbued with meaning that isn’t there. The aim of this campaign was always to have fun and shake it up a bit and by christ it worked.

It’s a shame because in an ideal world a song with a bit more Xmas cheer or even just heartwarming intent would be the vehicle for this marvel. However, Jon & Tracy could never have known this would happen. Tracy said to Sky News that they had to fight fire with fire and if you think about it, it wouldn’t have worked without something like KITN.

If I had my way and a time machine I would have suggested this

This video was embedded using the YouTuber plugin by Roy Tanck. Adobe Flash Player is required to view the video.

It was announced as an Xmas single about a week after #ratm4xmas took off and it would have been perfect. Happy, joyous and different. But them’s the breaks.

This leads me to the grandest point of all. Something that hit me recently and has highlighted that love or hate it, this whole glorious barn dance has been an unbridled success. People have said that no one cared before so why should they care now? That’s kinda the point, this whole thing has made people interested in something they weren’t interested in before. People have got involved and done stuff, it’s a good thing! In a nut shell:

It has shown what can be done if you inspire people

Jon & Tracy god bless em have raised over £60,000 for Shelter because of this. People have said that Shelter would be there without this etc, blah blah blah. This doesn’t matter, none of it does. Not the charts, not the X Factor, not RATM, nothing. Nothing in the face of the bold truth that when you do something that encourages people to act then things can happen.

None of what has happened is of any great consequence. But it has made people excited, interested, furious, snooty about something that before now they had completely taken for granted. What happens next year? Everyone will be trying to compete with the X Factor single and that’s the way it should be. But not just the Xmas #1. Not even music. None of it matters beyond the fact if you give people something to get interested in, something they feel they have a stake in that they wanna see either happen or not happen, they’ll turn up. Can you imagine if we all took a general election this seriously?

It’s an exciting prospect and something that should be taken advantage of for the greater good. It’s all well and good being cynical about it, but this whole thing raised money for homeless people this Xmas. Maybe it’s a small gesture but for fucks sake it’s better than nothing. You can captivate peoples imaginations and steer it towards good causes, it’s a simple idea but a great one in my opinion and that’s why this whole thing has impressed me so much.

I refuse to be cynical about this as I feel it’s these things, with genuine passionate interest, that can make changes for the better. We should all applaud Jon & Tracy as they’ve made something brilliantly stupid happen and some poor homeless bastards will have somewhere warm to stay on Xmas day because of it. If you can’t see the benefit of that then that’s a damn shame.

Fuck you, I did what they told me. Sony got paid and I don’t care. I had a bloody good laugh, I saw what people are capable of no matter how naive or misguided, their hearts were in the right place. Now if we can use this for grander efforts, then we’re cooking on gas.

If you wanna give to Shelter this Xmas, you can do at here -> http://www.justgiving.com/ratm4xmas

My Nippon Video Adventure

Saturday, December 12th, 2009

In April I went on holiday to Japan. I didn’t really blog about it properly and took a ton of videos whilst I was there. I meant to make a video of the whole thing like I did with my skiing holiday a couple of years ago but lazy Jason is lazy Jason.

I’ve broken it down into 6 separate sections, here we go!

Shaun’s House

This video was embedded using the YouTuber plugin by Roy Tanck. Adobe Flash Player is required to view the video.

This is my tour of Shaun’s house in Japan.

1st Day

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My 1st proper day in Japan we went to Kamakura which is like old school Japan, Temples and all that caper

Bright Lights, Big City

This video was embedded using the YouTuber plugin by Roy Tanck. Adobe Flash Player is required to view the video.

This is a montage of all the obvious touristy sites of Japan, gorgeous place

Mad Japan!

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A breakdown of some of the oddball things I did and saw

Ramen Queueing

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A video diary of my Ramen Museum queueing experience

The Last Supper

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And finally, a short video of our last meal in a restaurant somewhere in Tokyo, I forget where.

And that’s it! safe to say I had an absolute riot and recommend everyone go.

Here’s my flickr gallery of Japan pictures

http://www.flickr.com/photos/8512511@N05/sets/72157617778158407/

Zombie Scribbles!

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

About a month ago, I volunteered to help with the Eurogamer Expo. On the right you shall see a picture of me helping. After laughing at nerds for getting their photos taken with the Nvidia girls I somehow ended up in a similar photo which makes me a Grade A hypocrit, but hey it was all part of the job.

Volunteering mainly consisted of walking around in a circle making sure the consoles were running and no one nicked any controllers. On my watch one PS3 controller went missing so I think I did ok. Some kinds tried to nick an 360 at one stage so it could have been worse. Good fun really.

When we finished this endurance challenge we were thanked (obviously), given £30 and given whatever crap was left. I managed to blag two, COUNT THEM! two Left 4 Dead 2 t shirts. Good ere innit. Here’s what it looks like

Obviously I only need one to add to my collection so I vowed to give the other one away via the medium of a twitter competition. It’s taken me roughly a month but I’ve finally figured out what to do. As per usual it was a twitter revelation:

http://twitpic.com/r00nz – please pray silence for the crappest drawing of a monkey ever”

to which I added

“You’ll notice it has a nana.”

which lead to

“Also I just thought of a competition for this L4D2 tshirt.”

that finally gave birth to

“I want you to draw a zombie like a 5 year old would. Most authentic gets the tshirt.”

And there you have it folks. #zombiescribbles was born!

I want you to draw a zombie like a 5 year old would. Now this was a point of contention for a while as some of you people out there with 5 year olds. This puts you at a point of advantage. Worry not, I have taken this into consideration. The interesting twist in this quiz?

It will be judged by a 5 year old

Sam, my lovely friend at work (@percivalh, please follow) has a cracking wee son called Milo who will judge the competition and also provide a control picture for you all to reference from.

Edit: And here it is!

There is one final detail to this competition. As method of payment to young Milo, I shall be giving him my favourite transformer toy, Scorponok.

Isn’t he grand? The extra detail is – for every entry I get, I’ll give Milo one of my Transformers.

Also if you want one, I’ll chuck in a Transformers toy for 3rd, 2nd and 1st place too (in respective order of epicness). I’ll be administering the competition via twitter. Please hashtag your entry with #zombiescribbles and the closing date is…Friday the 11th of December! (2009)

So get drawing!