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The Menagerie of Twatty Animals

Monday, March 29th, 2010

I love David Attenborough, I think we all do. A lot of people say “I’d like him to be my Grandad” but I don’t want that. I have my grandparents and I love them dearly. I’d like Attenborough to be my Spirit Guide. Lighting my path and showing me the way. Helping me through the hard times with the voice of an earthen god.

I’ve watched all of his documentaries several times and hang on his every silken word. His voice helps us enjoy the joyful parts of our planet and contrastingly feel the sorrow for the plights some of nature’s travellers must endure.

On occasion the documentaries will shine a light on the macabre moments in the natural world. I like to refer to it as

Twatty Behaviour

Attenborough’s commentary on TB (not tuberculosis) is always completely agnostic, and rightly so. This behaviour is part and parcel of animal life and anyone who studies and or comments upon the natural world with any degree of authenticity should maintain this stance. It is survival of the fittest out there and all TB can be rationalised in that fashion.

I however am not burdened by such responsibility. I harbour no desires to make nature documentaries. Why would I? David has that deal sewn up. So in my privileged position of being an unprincipled swine, I am allowed to call the animals in question out for their TB. With this in mind I have created

The Menagerie of Twatty Animals

Here it is, a showcase of the animals in the world that do twatty things in the name of survival. Exploiting their position in a given situation to advance their species in a twatty way. If a human did it you’d call them a twat, an animal does it, I call em a twat. You may know no better, but you are still a twat. There are a couple of rules to aid us here

The creature doesn’t really NEED to do what it does to survive
The TB must be common to the species

I have 4 creatures to start this collection with but I’m only gonna submit 2 in this blog, that seems enough for now. Here goes!

Entrant #1 – The Pelican

The genesis of this whole idea. Until very recently I had no beef with the Pelican. I thought it was a perfectly reasonable animal until I saw them featured in Attenborough’s documentary Life. Go watch the following clip and return here

Why the Pelican is a wanker

For those who whatever reason can’t see it. This video concerns the Cape Gannets living on the Malagas Islands. These little birds raise their chicks on bare rock and fly out to see to catch fish for their young. Until comparatively recently only one of the Cape Gannet parents needed to fish so the other could stay back and guard the chick. Due to low fish stocks (we’re the biggest twats of all, but we know this) now both parents have to go, leaving the chick undefended. This is where the Pelican steps in.

Having noticed this unfortunate turn of events for the Cape Gannet, the Pelicans have started doing something massively twatty.

Eating the Cape Gannet chicks

When I saw it I was horrified. Seeing the poor little sod flap about in the Pelican’s enormous envelope face was awful. How could an animal that until I hadn’t given a moments thought before, go and do something so unfathomably twatty? I thought you were better than that, Pelicans.

As far as I see it, the Pelicans don’t *need* to eat the chicks, but it helps them so they do it anyway. This is not an honourable way to be. Pressures of the environment, whatever. I care not. If I was a Pelican I wouldn’t do it.

Well done Pelicans, you’re in the collection. Assholes.

Entrant #2 – The Young of the Japanese Red Bug

This doesn’t concern the adult of this species, I refer specifically to the young. I again noticed this in an episode of Life. I was able to find this one on Youtube (skip to about 3 minutes in)

The Japanese Red Bug is one of the only insects to actually care for it’s young. This is quite a gesture, especially when you consider the amount of children they have. The children in this situation are complete twats.

Their mother is constantly fetching food for them, all the time, never eating for itself. The kids eat the food and demand more. If they don’t get more quick enough…they leave. They abandon their own parents because the *service* isn’t up to their standards. Talk about ungrateful.

In addition to this, when they join another mother they run her into the ground. They keep eating the food she brings until she dies of exhaustion. They work their mother, foster or otherwise, to death.

The final nail in this particularly twatty coffin is the final act they perform upon the parent that has died to raise them.

They eat her

They kill their own parent with their selfish whiny demands, then as a final humiliation they feed on her exhausted corpse. If this isn’t a grade A example of TB then I don’t know what is.

They are twats, plain and simple and they have thoroughly earned their place in the Menagerie.

That’s it for now. I have 2 more entrants to submit but this blog is getting a bit long and you’re probably sick of it by now. Stay tuned for more twatty animals!

Posted in Menagerie of Twatty Animals | 1 Comment »

Idle hands lead to fun Follow Fridays!

Friday, March 26th, 2010

I was a bit a bored and had this idea for follow friday. It’s not very long and moves along at a fair pace so you might not see the names, but it’s fun so I’m not too fussed. Enjoy!

Posted in Follow Friday | 1 Comment »

leagueoflethargy #4 – JC Denton

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

It is time for the 4th go at this.

I am mounting a startling body of evidence showing just how lazy people can be. I would write em all down but I can’t be bothered, but I can’t. Maybe I could print it out.

Here lies the nature of this installment of the League of Lethargy. The key word is

Technology

Again I was skeptical as to how many people would go for it, but I’m starting to learn in one of a merry band of lazy buggers. So I asked

“How ya you used technology to aid your laziness?”

The genesis of this idea was, as always, inspired by my own feats of idleness

“During university I had a kettle, toaster and mini fridge in my room so I didn’t have to go downstairs”

CodeNameSommers: I just used the lift down here just to avoid stepping around some stuff that was at the top of the stairs

Theoutdoortypes: Lying in bed I used Shazam on my iPhone to find out what was playing on the computer next to me.

FliesOpen: What’s the time?

Twistedlilkitty: I’ve tweeted for someone to ring my phone because I couldn’t be arsed to look for it

britswitch: I’ve txtd people who are sat in the same room as me

kev_d: I’ve streamed content online because I’m too lazy to get up and put the disc I paid for into the PS3 to watch on TV.

Twistedlilkitty: I worked in a lab that had no windows, I’d use a web cam on O’Connell street to check if it was raining

jhaywardbenzal: phoning any1 in the house who’s up to get a cuppa so I can stay in bed.

Cautivo: Most of my lounge is taken up by 3-socket multiplugs daisy-chained together as I cba to go out and buy 1 big one

hinjowarwi: Used LogMeIn on laptop to remotely control pc that was in the same room as couldn’t reach the keyboard

each1teach1: A complex array of bluetooth mice, keyboards, remotes & xbmc mean I seldom leave my bed for work or play

specialdelia: I skyped my friend once to ask her which outfit I should wear because I couldn’t be bothered to take a selection round

NickMB: A major reason for my new smartphone is so I can tweet from my bed rather than having to sit up.

TheFagCasanova: I text the missus whilst she’s out, asking where things are in the flat, rather than looking for them.

webstl: Kinda anti-technology , I used a ten foot bamboo pole to change channels when I lost my remote control

moogyboobles: . I’ve been known to tweet Jon from upstairs asking for a cup of tea

euzie: at 10, i screwed wire hooks either side of my 4 tv buttons, and pulled the wires from my bed as a remote

BobbyLooga: I can’t be doing with the hassle of changing lightbulbs so I use my phone screen to illuminate my way

unslugged: I bought a laptop because I can’t be arsed to go upstairs and use the PC when the telly’s on

So there we go. The League of Lethargy strikes again. I’m building my own private army of lazy JC Dentons.

(If you don’t know who JC Denton is, play Deus Ex)

CodeNameSommers: I just used the lift down here just to avoid stepping around some stuff that was at the top of the stairs

Theoutdoortypes: Lying in bed I used Shazam on my iPhone to find out what was playing on the computer next to me.

FliesOpen: What’s the time?

Twistedlilkitty: I’ve tweeted for someone to ring my phone because I couldn’t be arsed to look for it

britswitch: I’ve txtd people who are sat in the same room as me

kev_d: I’ve streamed content online because I’m too lazy to get up and put the disc I paid for into the PS3 to watch on TV.

Twistedlilkitty: I worked in a lab that had no windows, I’d use a web cam on O’Connell street to check if it was raining

jhaywardbenzal: phoning any1 in the house who’s up to get a cuppa so I can stay in bed.

Cautivo: Most of my lounge is taken up by 3-socket multiplugs daisy-chained together as I cba to go out and buy 1 big one

hinjowarwi: Used LogMeIn on laptop to remotely control pc that was in the same room as couldn’t reach the keyboard

each1teach1: A complex array of bluetooth mice, keyboards, remotes & xbmc mean I seldom leave my bed for work or play

specialdelia: I skyped my friend once to ask her which outfit I should wear because I couldn’t be bothered to take a selection round

NickMB: A major reason for my new smartphone is so I can tweet from my bed rather than having to sit up.

TheFagCasanova: I text the missus whilst she’s out, asking where things are in the flat, rather than looking for them.

webstl: Kinda anti-technology , I used a ten foot bamboo pole to change channels when I lost my remote control

moogyboobles: . I’ve been known to tweet Jon from upstairs asking for a cup of tea

euzie: at 10, i screwed wire hooks either side of my 4 tv buttons, and pulled the wires from my bed as a remote

BobbyLooga: I can’t be doing with the hassle of changing lightbulbs so I use my phone screen to illuminate my way

unslugged: I bought a laptop because I can’t be arsed to go upstairs and use the PC when the telly’s on

Posted in League of Lethargy | No Comments »

Cosmo Canyon

Saturday, March 20th, 2010

Everyone knows this already because I’ve been babbling about nothing else for quite some time, but it’s worthwhile knocking it on the blog too innit?

I have a new job!

And what a job! I’m soon to be a web developer at one of my favourite games companies in the world ever!

Booyah! I’m working for the company who made bloody Final bloody Fantasy bloody VII!

Strictly speaking it’s the offices of Eidos Interactive, but they were bought out by the macdaddys a year or two ago and they are now known as Square Enix Europe, which is nice.

The whole procession was quite a testing time as it usually is. The interview went very well though the life sized statue of Kane & Lynch having a fight scared the crap outta me. It was then a 3 and a half week wait for the answer. I’ll remember the day I got the offer for the rest of my life. This is mainly because the lovely HR lady at Square led me a merry dance with a series of unintentionally cryptic emails.

I was sitting around, ambling through an uninteresting lunch when the first email came in.

No subject heading and nothing in it

This baffled me. Is this it? Is this a yes? Is this a no? What is this? WHAT’S GOING ON!!?!??!

5 minutes later the next one comes in.

Heading saying “Good News” and again, nothing in it

Now this is encouraging, but again totally mystifying. Did it go to the wrong person? What’s good? HELP ME! This time an agonising 20 minutes pass. I am climbing the walls, unable to tell anyone about the situation I’m in. So I distracted myself by chucking a stress ball around the office and furiously pacing about the place like a mad thing.

Then the final email comes in.

Hi Jason!
Sorry not sure what I did BUT we want to make you an offer
Are you still interested?
I’m out on a course but will try catch my emails
Lesley

The best bit of that email is “Are you still interested?”. I was overjoyed. A bit like this

This was a company whose games had played a sizeable part in defining who I am today. My love for games was only reinforced by such triumphs as Final Fantasy VII. Be it Square or Eidos, they have released so many games that I have loved to bits over the years.

When I was a growing up I’d always harboured desires of working in the games industry and now I am. It really is a dream job. It’s a web development job, so I’m not making games, but I don’t really want to. Certainly not coding them anyway. It doesn’t feel quite real at the moment.

I’ve finished work with Tripleplay now and it’s a shame to go, but I feel the time was right. I’d been there for nearly 4 years and an opportunity like this just feels right, the next big step. I learned loads at Tripleplay and it pretty much got me the job so I’ll look back on the time fondly.

I felt I had to leave something behind to remember me by. All software development teams use a thing called source control. Source control is a repository of code which controls versioning and such, it’s basically an organised back up of code. So I added an image to the product I was in charge of with this source control comment

Author: jason
Date: 2010-03-19 17:19:04 +0000 (Fri, 19 Mar 2010)
New Revision: 27383

Added:
   giftfromjason.jpg
Log:
For what is a man what has he got, If not himself then he has not, To say the things he truly feels, And not the words of one who kneels, The record shows I took the blows, And did it mmmmmmyyyyyy wwwwwwaaaaaayyyyyy. See ya! J

What is giftfromjason.jpg? well it’s the best picture on the interweb of course

Isn’t it brill?

So here we are. I have a fortnight off now to mooch about, clean the house, play some games and get some out of work work done. Then I’ll be off to Cosmo Canyon to begin my plan to rule the universe.

I’ve done an artists impression of how I’ll get to work. Excited!

Are the sunglasses a bit much? Didn’t think so.

Posted in Me | 3 Comments »

The Fall of Roger Federer

Monday, March 15th, 2010

I’m writing this blog in my attempts at being a soothsayer. I am saying sooth about the fate of the last of the Knights of Gillette. The order has 3 members, Sir Henry, Sir Woods and Sir Federer.

There was a time in the long forgotten past (October 2009) when all three of the Knights were unblemished specimens of grace, poise and chins that felt like brushed satin. But that night in the Stade de France rocked the nations faith in the honour of Gillette male grooming products. Sir Henry handled the ball and disgraced himself in the eyes of millions of people with not enough to be genuinely outraged about. Henry was forever tarnished by the cheating that got France to a World Cup they have no chance of winning. Sir Henry was shamed, forced to wear a dismembered hand around his neck till the end of days. But there was worse to come…

: The Albatross

No sooner had the gods atop Mount Gillette spat out of the blood from the first haymaker, they were pummelled once more in their freshly shaved, baby smooth, finely contoured faces. This blow was vastly more powerful than the first. Imbued with the soul of the raging demon that is a sex scandal.

Sir Woods had been unfaithful to Lady Woods. Many times in many places with many scrumpets of questionable virtue. Such was the brilliance of his plummet from glory that he revealed his saucy ways by driving into a tree. That’s how the the truly great people announce their scandals.

Once again the nosy and privileged went bat shit mental. The uneducated masses marched for Woods to be ripped to pieces by savage bearded hell dogs. Mount Gillette released a statement saying Sir Woods was “worse than Satan” and he should “fuck off back to Russia”. The highest courts in the highest lands met and Woods was finally made to kiss his mother on live television.

: The Ultimate Shame.

Two of the Knights have fallen. Hunched double in the local speak easy, smelling of expired shaving foam, recounting their fall from the 5 blades for extra comfort heavens. But one remains. The truly perfect man. Lord Federer.

The utter perfection of Lord Federer and the escalating juiciness of the ruination of his former brothers means his fall will be something to behold. Like a solar eclipse, a shooting star or a really good firework display, it will be remembered forever. The act of doing something stupid in public will be known across all times, universes and dimensions as “doing a Federer”.

We can only speculate for now though I have some suggestions as to what he might do

Having won Wimbledon, he’ll call The Duke of Kent a c**t.
FBI Agents will bust into his mansion to reveal billions in Nazi Gold.
The Centre Court murder of Rafael Nadal.

Federer is doomed. It was written in the stars. He will fall and it will be like no one has ever ever ever fallen before. It will make Sir Woods look like a storm in a teacup, a hurricane in a soup bowl, a typhoon in the toilet.

It will happen. When I do not know. How I cannot say. Though know this traveller, it will be fucking spectacular and I will be there to say, “yeah, I wouldn’t have done that”.

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