Think Tank Toybox!

‘Taste the Difference’ Spam #1 – The Farting Cat

February 4th, 2010

I often get spam comments on my blog posts and occasionally you get one that is just brilliant, any gooduns I get I’ll post on here with under the ‘Taste The Difference’ Spam brand. Here goes!

“What the… you will not belief this. This stupid cat simply farted on my knee!? I mean what is the matter with that!? I feed that thing and I end up with this in return. I still will not belief this. Anyway, you have quite a few useful information there in your post. I knew Google will bring me to a few fascinating stuff today :). Alright must hunt this pet now! Have a great time you all!”

This comes from the “user” using the handle, Bedroom Furniture.

Posted in Spam Comments | No Comments »

The Destruction of the Schmeichel Goalkeeper Top

January 30th, 2010

I’ve been listening to a brilliant football podcast called The Football Ramble and they run a feature on funny footballing stories. I’ve submitted this one from when I was a widdle thing and thought it’d be a good idea to blog it too, Enjoy!

This is a story about how I destroyed a friends goalkeeper top when I was a weeun.

There was a big field in the middle of the suburban estate on which we all lived, circled by the back fences of the enclosing houses. All the kids would gather and play football, more often than not smash the ball against their fences, they presumably loved it.

One guy in particular was this large Italian chap who didn’t particularly care for us smashing his fence to bits everyday. So when the ball inevitably went over his fence he would very much enjoy not giving it back. Though one day he was shouting at us over the fence and a friend of mine sang the lyric “Golden brown, texture like sun” and he shouted back, “Yeah! Golden Brown!” and threw the ball back. I digress.

A friend of mine had a Man Utd goalkeeper top with Schmeichel on it. This was back in the early premiership years when Utd were unstoppable. For a reason I don’t remember I was wearing it and we were playing hide & seek.

A prime spot was hiding in the Italian man’s garden and I had disguised myself there. I climbed onto his fence (about 6 foot high) and sat on top to survey the surroundings. A momentary loss of balance caused me to slip from the fence catching the top on a jagged edge. I heard a horrible tear and I was left hanging like some hoisted cartoon villain. The head hole had come to the front and I was there with my face poking out unable to get down.

Besides being caught out I’d also ruined my mates favourite top. Ah well he was a United fan and so could obviously afford it.

Posted in Me | No Comments »

leagueoflethargy #1 – Stirring Tea

January 29th, 2010

People carp on about how twitter is an agent for social change and all that stuff, but I recently discovered it has an even more important purpose

To bring together individuals capable of fantastic feats of lethargy

My process when using twitter is to pretty much tweet out any silly idea that pops into my head. I think it’s too much for some people and I can’t begrudge them unfollowing me.

Anyway, I was making a cup of tea and to my horror I discovered there were no clean teaspoons. I could have washed one but anyone who knows me knows that’s the last thing I want to do. I eventually resorted to using a tablespoon, I was so proud.

So proud I was that I immediately scuttled upstairs and tweeted

“You can’t call yourself a slob till you’ve stirred your tea with a table spoon.”

I gotta couple of replies and I realised I had poked a rich vein of fun, so I asked the question

“Ok I seem to have poked a wasps nest here. Whats the worst thing you’ve stirred a cup of tea with?”

Then the torrent began, I quote:

wisecur: That’s not slobbish try using house keys.

jendinary: i’ve also eaten cereal w/ a teaspoon.

minuferdows: ill see your table spoon and raise you a fork (and once a knife..)

jendinary: oh, i’ve done that. should i be proud or ashamed? not sure.

Ironthighs: I once stirred my tea with a Bic biro.

cripesonfriday: I only eat cereal with a teaspoon

sylviegreen69: Ive drank one out of a gravy boat.

OneInchMan: pens, lighters whatever is to hand and, if all else fails, the suck/spit method of mixing tea and milk is always there

mooseymoose29: you are all gonna lose when I call you out with an eye liner pencil…

sylviegreen69: Ive eaten cereal out of a pan.

Ironthighs: My husband would like you to know that he once used a comb to stir his tea. Someone else’s comb.

mooseymoose29: oh and I forgot the used ice lolly stick…

minuferdows: I may have also used a chop stick once…

skoravensis: Well, when camping in Le Mans I’ve used: plastic shard from abadoned garden chair, twig,bit off the side of a cow shed…

DanielNothing: Pen salways eems pretty mingin’.

missgembles: a REALLY grubby pencil

kassy4:: a pen, ink side down

each1teach1: Pure physics. (Held it in my hand and just shook really hard)

missgembles: Also, the pointy end of a 60cm set square. And a stick of celery.

njhamer: Fingers. Not mine.

quii: I want to use my cock just so i can win at being most disgusting. Despite pain repercussions.

cripesonfriday: I once stirred the tea with the tea bag

TimRobberts:: A twig, someone elses finger, Wacom pen, definitely a few biros and *undisclosed*. (champion)

teawithlemon: i tend to use the handle if i ever stir with a fork/tablespoon, knife etc

zevans23: Unwashed finger during car fettling is always a good one.

NickMB: I’ve used my fingers a couple of times and just ignored the pain. When there’s no cutlery anywhere useful.

wisecur: That’s not slobbish try using house keys.

jendinary: i’ve also eaten cereal w/ a teaspoon.

minuferdows: ill see your table spoon and raise you a fork (and once a knife..)

Ironthighs: I once stirred my tea with a Bic biro.

cripesonfriday: I only eat cereal with a teaspoon

sylviegreen69: Ive drank one out of a gravy boat.

OneInchMan: pens, lighters whatever is to hand and, if all else fails, the suck/spit method of mixing tea and milk is always there

mooseymoose29: you are all gonna lose when I call you out with an eye liner pencil…

sylviegreen69: Ive eaten cereal out of a pan.

Ironthighs: My husband would like you to know that he once used a comb to stir his tea. Someone else’s comb.

mooseymoose29: oh and I forgot the used ice lolly stick…

minuferdows: I may have also used a chop stick once…

skoravensis: Well, when camping in Le Mans I’ve used: plastic shard from abadoned garden chair, twig,bit off the side of a cow shed…

DanielNothing: Pen salways eems pretty mingin’.

missgembles: a REALLY grubby pencil

kassy4:: a pen, ink side down

each1teach1: Pure physics. (Held it in my hand and just shook really hard)

missgembles: Also, the pointy end of a 60cm set square. And a stick of celery.

njhamer: Fingers. Not mine.

quii: I want to use my cock just so i can win at being most disgusting. Despite pain repercussions.

cripesonfriday: I once stirred the tea with the tea bag

TimRobberts: A twig, someone elses finger, Wacom pen, definitely a few biros and *undisclosed*. (champion)

teawithlemon: i tend to use the handle if i ever stir with a fork/tablespoon, knife etc

zevans23: Unwashed finger during car fettling is always a good one.

NickMB: I’ve used my fingers a couple of times and just ignored the pain. When there’s no cutlery anywhere useful.

Ah what fun. I shouldn’t be surprised, the best stories always come from people recounting what has happened to them over the years. Skinbro asked a while back for people to say the lamest and coolest things that has happened to you, it was an absolute joy to read.

So I’ve had a little idea. Every now and then (I say this so I can forget it for a while and not break a promise) I’ll ask twitter question on topics that unify us in our laziness with the hashtag #leagueoflethargy then I’ll blog it here like I have above, could be a laugh.

Posted in Twitter | No Comments »

The Power of ‘ma’

January 21st, 2010

For quite some time I have taken to adding ma’s into the middle of words to make them sillier. The one I use the most is

‘congratumalations’

It’s great! Sounds better and underlines a core daftness I like to lace my entire life with.

I think it’s genesis came from the Simpsons and Homer’s adorable pronunciation of the phrase ‘Saxophone’ or as he calls it ‘Saxomaphone’. It was really nailed home in this little exchange between him and a diddy Lisa

Homer: So, what do you like, Lisa? Vio-ma-lin? Tuba-ma-ba? Oboe-mo-boe?

Lisa: [pointing] That one! [Lisa's adorable little digit points up to a beautiful new baritone sax.]

Homer: Oh…saxo-ma-phone. [reads price tag] Two hundred dollars?!

Another one I like a lot is ‘investimagate’. It implies investigating with your tongue out, digging around in a toybox to emerge with playdoh in your hair.

On initial investimagation it seems to work best with 4 syllable words. I can think of a few examples now of good words improved by the addition of a ma

Communimacation
Pornomagraphy
Mandamatory
Oblimagation
Unbearamable

I’d love to hear people’s suggestions, 4 syllable words are a good start but there’s gotta be more diverse ones. Come, share with me the power of ma, We know it is formidamable.

Posted in Curiosity | 4 Comments »

The Last Word on the Weekend’s Action

January 18th, 2010

I watch Match of the Day 2 quite a lot. I’ve always considered it a lesser programme compared to Match of the Day. This evening’s thrilling episode of MOTD2 added something which I didn’t care for and lead me to think something I often think, “There’s a blog in this”. Now I will raise the thing they’ve added but there are a few more points which condemn it to being MOTD’s stupid sibling. It’s not much really, just some stuff I’ve had in my noodle for years and felt it might be fun to note them down. So.

Adrian Chiles
Now, I don’t mind Adrian Chiles really. Odd I know if I raise it as the first issue I have but I don’t want you to think I’m aboard the “Adrian Chiles is a c**t” boat. That boat is very full and I don’t think he’s that bad. The main problem with Adrian is this

He’s Beige

Oh Adrian, so bland, so vanilla, oh so beige. I’ve taken to calling him the Beige Fog but it hasn’t caught on. People may say Lineker is the same but he’s allowed to be as he has the benefit of footballing credibility, having you know, played football. Whereas Adrian, bless him, hasn’t. He’s really quite fantastically plain and inoffensive so I really struggle to warm to him.

He’s nice enough, but I would prefer someone with a bit more Gravitas. Though the choice of host might be to do with my second objection.

Daytime TV
It’s slow, it’s viral and it’s more and more apparent. The show is becoming more and more like lightweight, wishy washy daytime television. The Beige Fog is the archetype for this kinda stuff, thus his position as captain of the good ship One Show. Sailing the waveless, vanilla seas of daytime without even breaking the surface.

Aside from Chiles the show has the “2 Good 2 Bad” feature which highlights the enormous amusement that can be found from a member of the crowd wearing a funny hat. When done properly you get something like Soccer AM’s third eye which produces some brilliantly funny moments from the loony bin that is football. Here’s an example of a cracking Third Eye

Brilliant! It works there because it’s much of a supporters perspective whereas on MOTD2 it’s like You’ve been Framed after Beadle and before Hill. Yuck.

They’ve also added these “delightful” little vignets telling the “mad” stories of supporters. It’s like watching the Aviva advert with Paul Whitehouse as the Plymouth supporter. I like that advert as I think Whitehouse is a triumph in pretty much anything he’s in, but doing that without the intention of being funny is really quite acutely boring. It’s only in there to flesh out the program a bit and I audibly groan every time it comes on.

Finally in this bit, the catalyst for this blog, the over editing of highlights. Because they have the benefit of a days editing time, they seem to deem it necessary to edit the highlights in a fashion that reflects the nature of the match. It’s so hammy and tacky. For example Chelsea’s recent 7-2 smashing of Sunderland was turned into a parody of the Magnificent Seven with Wanted posters and wild west music, it’s just annoying. They’ve also taken to adding music to the managers interview and recapping the key points from the game with Lord Ordinary whimsically talking fluffly waffle over the top of it.

This all pales in comparison to my biggest objection to MOTD2.

Showing some of Saturday’s goals in the Intro
I HAVEN”T SEEN THEM ADRIAN. I have to close my eyes during the intro as I don’t like seeing the goals out of context. Why do it? What purpose does it serve? It’s been like this for years and it drives me loopy. Serenity Now!

The Advantages of MOTD2
There are precious few advantages that MOTD2 has over MOTD. The first is more Goals. Though Gary Lineker’s lack of a time machine is hardly a fair criticism.

The other advantage is it’s on Sunday. Being the funky hipster bohemian that I am I often miss MOTD. Now this isn’t due to any kind of crammed social schedule. Truth be told I can’t remember what I did last night which lead me to miss MOTD which lead me to watch MOTD2. Sunday is a day where nothing good can be achieved so don’t try. Just sit around, mooching about waiting for Monday. MOTD2 knows this and is there to help you waste an hour.

Conclusion
I much prefer MOTD for blindly stupid “footballing” reasons. I want a show that shows the highlights and then idly discusses them in football fashion. It’s football, stupid and more than occasionally boring. That’s the way I like it. There are two methods of presenting football, dead pan serious with occasional journeys into sillyness (MOTD or Gillette Soccer Saturday) or the daft, on the terraces version (Soccer AM). Both work as they treat football in a genuine way. Be it stupidly serious or a brilliantly stupid.

MOTD2 falls somewhere in the middle and it’s too far divorced from either side for it to work for me. But I’ll still watch it and be vaguely miffed as Chico Vanilla pokes me in the face with candy floss. Hmph.

Posted in Football | 1 Comment »